Don't Silence Your Voice

Today's the day. Today's the day I'm going to have that great idea. I'm going to write that unique article that will inspire so many others out there. I get excited. I sit down to type. Then I look on Facebook and there it is. My article. Only by someone else. And it sounds so much better than mine!

My confidence is crushed. I feel like I'm back to square one, but why? 

So I'm not as unique as I thought I once was. I'm obviously not the only one that has struggled with parenting, marriage, work, relationships, following God. We all have those moments where we just can't manage to get it together so why wouldn't there be someone else who would want to voice their thoughts on similar topics?

This is where we cannot allow similarities to silence our voices. This is how we help each other. We get a new perspective. We try something different for the same issue to hopefully finally resolve the issue. It's more tools in our toolbox. So don't let it silence you.

Don't allow the comparison of yourself to others dampen your spirits. I know I have good moments and I know I have bad moments. I need to learn to open myself up to others and have conversations. Not just hitting the "Like" button but commenting. Giving feedback, receiving feedback to make each of us better.

It's hard. But I need to make it easier by accepting that others will have ideas similar to mine. I need to work harder and making my voice heard in my own way to separate myself from the others. There are times I will succeed and there are times that I will fail. But I can no longer accept not even trying. I need to learn to accept failure which is something I have always struggled with. I have to let go of my expectations of perfection. I do not need to be silent. 

The Tears Start to Fall

Yesterday was a rough day.

There was a lot of yelling.

There was a lot of crying.

There was a lot of feeling inadequate and a failure as a mother.

There was a lot of resenting my husband for not doing more.

There was a lot of resenting my children for not doing the tasks I gave them up to my own standards.

There was a lot of feeling like a failure...

I hate days like this and usually looking back I can figure out where I went wrong. I expected too much without doing enough. I let the day become lazy only to allow the last hour to turn myself into a dictator. Then I cried. I cried because I didn't know what to do anymore. I cried because I couldn't live like this anymore.

I told my husband. I told him I couldn't live with the yelling. I couldn't live with the feeling of acting like such a horrible person towards the people I love. I couldn't live with constantly having to say "I'm sorry" afterwards.

He told me I expected too much out of them. They are not adults, they will not do chores exactly the way I want them done but they did do a lot for me throughout the day that normal 3-7 year olds don't do. They did the dishes. They folded and put away their own clothes. They put their toys away. Yes, it took a lot of reminding and eventually yelling for them to complete it all. Yes, there were distractions along the way, but they got it done. They did a lot.

Peace was my word for the year and January is already giving me trouble. I am nowhere near I where I want to be but I will continue to try. Continue to remind myself that these days are numbered. I will lower my expectations of them while increasing the expectations of myself. To teach the kids how to be responsible. To tell my husband when I need help and not contain it only to resent him later for it.

This has been an issue for me for far too long. If I expect to have any peace in my household, I need to work harder. I need to communicate and we need to hold each other accountable. Whether that's taking away toys or taking away activities. There needs to be change.

Just When You Start To Get Excited

Moving to Central City from Holdrege was not an easy one for me. Mainly because I was having such a hard time trying to find employment within my field of Physical Therapy. There were a few places hiring but they were looking at a Physical Therapist rather than a Physical Therapist Assistant, which is what my degree just so happens to be in. I was able to land a PRN position with the local hospital which has worked out ok but still not what I was hoping for.

The last year and a half, I've been praying and hoping and checking on a regular basis for any part-time or full-time openings in the area. I was looking as far out as an hour drive and nothing. Every week, nothing. 

Then this week...something! A co-worker of mine was meeting with a group out of Grand Island, about 35 minutes away. She said they had mentioned a PTA was quitting and were looking to hire. She passed the information on to me and I was quick to update my resume and send it off for review hoping that if I didn't get the position at the least the thought of me leaving my current position would be enough to gain a few more hours.

I was excited. For the first time in over a year I felt like things were falling into place for me, confirming that I was indeed on God's path. Then today I received an email: "So sorry Valerie, but, we are actually looking for a PT, not a PTA."

Crushed.

That's all I could think. I was crushed. Now what? Do I still go to my current employer and tell them I have sent out my resume? It is the truth after all. Or do I just sit and wait to see if more opportunities become available?

Nothing is more disappointing than when your track stops short and leaves you hanging on the edge of the cliff wondering if you're going to fall or catch your balance and find firm ground again. I know God's planning is not my own but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I know it will work out in the end but that doesn't mean I can't be a little disappointed. 

I will continue to hang in there because that's what I need to do. There's no use in getting upset about it since no good would come out of that either. Chin up! Another opportunity will arise...

Why I'm Not Leaving the Catholic Church

I've been hearing of sexual abuse allegations against the Catholic Church for as long as I can remember. This has been an on-going scandal throughout the nation and nothing is more appalling than what these priests, deacons, and bishops are being accused of. We have three young children and I find myself worrying at times about how safe they are in a place where there should be no question of their safety.

But I'm not leaving the Catholic Church.

We were confirmed in the Catholic faith in April 2017. We spent a year researching, going to RCIA, and studying, to be sure that this was the right move for our family. We decided it was indeed the best choice for us and we made the commitment to continue in this faith and to raise our family in it.

We knew there had been past allegations. Speaking for myself, I knew that there would probably be more. There were a few reasons why I still felt we needed to move forward.

Reason 1: A friend had told me during a discussion about accusations against the church leaders that Satan is not lazy when it comes to making attacks on the Church. What better way to discredit the Church than to corrupt its leaders? I am tempted by Satan everyday and I'm just a parishioner. Of course he's going to try and bring those most devoted to Christ down to hell with him. I do not condone this as an excuse and I do believe Satan weasels his way into even the most sacred places and they deserve to be brought to justice.

Reason 2: I am not a Catholic to serve the priest, who is man. I am a Catholic because it is based on the guidelines that Christ gave his disciples. I am Catholic to serve Christ and to experience his presence in the Eucharist.

Reason 3: How can we help the Church if we leave it? If we, the parishioners, don't stay to fight for our Church. To listen to those that feel uncomfortable, to address accusations and hold our leaders accountable, what does that say about us? If we leave because we don't want to be affiliated with the problem, rather than staying and fixing the problem, nothing will change. It is up to us lay people to keep our families, our parish, our faith safe in all aspects.

Reason 4: Sexual abuse is not only occurring in the Catholic Church.

So what am I doing?

I'm talking to my children about appropriate vs inappropriate behavior. Whether it be in church, in school, at the park, even at home. We talk to our children about what to do if they feel uncomfortable in a situation and who they should go to. We listen to our children. This might not seem like a lot to change the course of decades long accusations, but this is the best we can do.

Habits...

Why oh why is it so hard to maintain a habit?

Whether I'm trying to break a bad habit or begin a good habit, I lack to will power to do either. Last week I maintained my 5am wake up routine Monday through Friday. I prayed my Rosary, I read my Bible. All was good. Yes, I may have dozed off a day or two while reading through Maccabees 1, but I got my butt out of bed at 5am.

Then the weekend hit. I still had my alarm set for 5am but I quickly turned it off rather than continue with my routine because, hey, it's the weekend! What I realize when I do not wake up earlier than everyone else is that I never get my quiet time to pray the Rosary or to read the Bible. Quiet time with three kids is short and far between, not enough time for me to confidently set myself up and get through my prayer routine.

I thought to myself, if I can keep it going Monday through Friday and take it easy on the weekends, I can still maintain my routine, right? Wrong. Oh, so wrong! It was even harder for me to wake up this morning and I did indeed turn off my alarm at 5am and did not get through my prayer routine. My three year old would not give me more than five minutes of quiet time.

I tell myself this everyday. I remind myself how hard it is to find time throughout the day if I do not get my prayers done early in the morning. Weekends cannot be an exception anymore if I want to do this right. If I want to seriously make a change, I cannot sacrifice two days to be selfish and think that I'll still be able to check off my daily routine. It's not going to happen.

Dave Ramsey has a quote that has been my moto the past few days: "Work is DOING it. Dedication is doing it EVERY DAY. Diligence is doing it WELL every day." It is not a Monday-Friday. It is EVERY DAY!

Fairy Tales Get a Bad Rep

I LOVE Disney movies. My goal in life is to own every copy of every Disney movie ever made so I will often add one to the kids' birthday list, Christmas stocking, or Easter basket whether they really want one or not!

I realize that there are people that have issues with the early movies, specifically those that involve a princess, because they make it seem like a woman needs a man to help solve her problems. After watching Cinderella with my daughters, I realized that these stories really do get a bad reputation.

As I was watching the 2015 version of Cinderella (which is one of my absolute favorites!), I came to the conclusion that this story is so much more than poor Cinderella finding her Prince Charming. It is a story of a young girl suffering a tremendous loss of her parents at such a young age. It's about her ability to see the good in every situation, even when she is left with an angry, jealous step-mother and two step-sisters that she has nothing in common with.

It's about finding friends in the unexpected, in this case the farm animals, and offering protection to those that cannot protect themselves, no matter how silly it may seem to others.

It's about getting her jobs done without complaint because she knows when she finishes her chores, she finally gets time to dream. And what's so bad about a dream? She doesn't run away from her problems but faces them the best way she knows how with kindness and courage.

And yes, she does meet a dreamy fellow during an exceptionally hard day. And yes, she is attracted to him as he is to her. She doesn't throw herself at him. She doesn't divulge all personal information to him. She keeps conversation light, making him want to know her more. This, I feel, is a great lesson to teach our daughters. Keep some things a mystery.

The story continues and she is able to go to the ball with a little magic from her fairy god-mother. No, I don't want to my daughters to think they have to give into magic to get what they want, but I do want them to know there is someone they can count on when they find themselves in a particularly emotional moment.

She gets to the ball and there's the Prince. They dance. They talk. There are no suggestive moves or sexual tension. They are just happy to be in each others' company. Then she's gone. And what does the Prince do? He fights for her. He searches high and low. He doesn't give up even after it's been weeks and no one has shown up to claim the iconic glass slipper. He doesn't stop until he finds her. No matter how many people say it's a hopeless mission. This my dear, is what true love is. It's not the happily ever after part. It's knowing that you have found someone that will never stop searching for you, physically or metaphorically.

Finally. My favorite part. Cinderella forgives. She forgives her step-mother for being so cruel to her. She does this with grace. She does not offer to give her a space in her home because she does not deserve this. She gives her forgiveness but she is not all obligated to give her step-mother anything else. This is another lesson I want my daughters to understand. To forgive is a special gift and it is not meant to be used. It is not meant to have to go any further, you do not "owe" someone just because you were able to forgive their past transgressions. You are free to cut the cord to that person.

So next time you think ill of those "silly princess" movies, really think about the lessons they are teaching and you could be surprised to find beautiful life lessons to teach both your daughters and your sons.

New Year Resolution Reality

Even if you hate resolutions there's always something you hope for in the coming year. Whether it's in your work, your family, or within yourself, there are goals to be made and dreams to pursue.

My personal "resolution" is to find peace in each day. In 2018 I felt flustered quite a bit and it seemed to snowball from one aspect of my life to another where I could never find my peace. I really want to focus on quieting my worries and finding my peace for 2019.

The problem I have with resolutions is that I expect them to be perfected as of January 1. Not just by myself either but by my entire family. If I'm expected to find my peace then by golly, my husband should know to read my mind and my kids should know to behave. Mommy needs her peace, dang it!

In reality, this is not even close. I was plenty irritated today by different members of my family at different times throughout the day but as I waited for the girls to get done with their shower, I allowed myself some serious pondering on what my expectations should be for finding my sense of peace. I realized that I cannot expect my family to be on the same level with me at all times. It's more about how am I going to approach those moments where peace is hiding? How am I going to handle my three year old's temper tantrums when all I want is for her to get into bed?

The hardest realization I have when it comes to change is that not everyone will change with me. I need to change myself first and then maybe, others will follow suit. I can't want it to happen over night. I need to be intentional and I need to remind myself to find my peace until it becomes automatic.

Good luck in the next 364 days!