Habits...

Why oh why is it so hard to maintain a habit?

Whether I'm trying to break a bad habit or begin a good habit, I lack to will power to do either. Last week I maintained my 5am wake up routine Monday through Friday. I prayed my Rosary, I read my Bible. All was good. Yes, I may have dozed off a day or two while reading through Maccabees 1, but I got my butt out of bed at 5am.

Then the weekend hit. I still had my alarm set for 5am but I quickly turned it off rather than continue with my routine because, hey, it's the weekend! What I realize when I do not wake up earlier than everyone else is that I never get my quiet time to pray the Rosary or to read the Bible. Quiet time with three kids is short and far between, not enough time for me to confidently set myself up and get through my prayer routine.

I thought to myself, if I can keep it going Monday through Friday and take it easy on the weekends, I can still maintain my routine, right? Wrong. Oh, so wrong! It was even harder for me to wake up this morning and I did indeed turn off my alarm at 5am and did not get through my prayer routine. My three year old would not give me more than five minutes of quiet time.

I tell myself this everyday. I remind myself how hard it is to find time throughout the day if I do not get my prayers done early in the morning. Weekends cannot be an exception anymore if I want to do this right. If I want to seriously make a change, I cannot sacrifice two days to be selfish and think that I'll still be able to check off my daily routine. It's not going to happen.

Dave Ramsey has a quote that has been my moto the past few days: "Work is DOING it. Dedication is doing it EVERY DAY. Diligence is doing it WELL every day." It is not a Monday-Friday. It is EVERY DAY!

Fairy Tales Get a Bad Rep

I LOVE Disney movies. My goal in life is to own every copy of every Disney movie ever made so I will often add one to the kids' birthday list, Christmas stocking, or Easter basket whether they really want one or not!

I realize that there are people that have issues with the early movies, specifically those that involve a princess, because they make it seem like a woman needs a man to help solve her problems. After watching Cinderella with my daughters, I realized that these stories really do get a bad reputation.

As I was watching the 2015 version of Cinderella (which is one of my absolute favorites!), I came to the conclusion that this story is so much more than poor Cinderella finding her Prince Charming. It is a story of a young girl suffering a tremendous loss of her parents at such a young age. It's about her ability to see the good in every situation, even when she is left with an angry, jealous step-mother and two step-sisters that she has nothing in common with.

It's about finding friends in the unexpected, in this case the farm animals, and offering protection to those that cannot protect themselves, no matter how silly it may seem to others.

It's about getting her jobs done without complaint because she knows when she finishes her chores, she finally gets time to dream. And what's so bad about a dream? She doesn't run away from her problems but faces them the best way she knows how with kindness and courage.

And yes, she does meet a dreamy fellow during an exceptionally hard day. And yes, she is attracted to him as he is to her. She doesn't throw herself at him. She doesn't divulge all personal information to him. She keeps conversation light, making him want to know her more. This, I feel, is a great lesson to teach our daughters. Keep some things a mystery.

The story continues and she is able to go to the ball with a little magic from her fairy god-mother. No, I don't want to my daughters to think they have to give into magic to get what they want, but I do want them to know there is someone they can count on when they find themselves in a particularly emotional moment.

She gets to the ball and there's the Prince. They dance. They talk. There are no suggestive moves or sexual tension. They are just happy to be in each others' company. Then she's gone. And what does the Prince do? He fights for her. He searches high and low. He doesn't give up even after it's been weeks and no one has shown up to claim the iconic glass slipper. He doesn't stop until he finds her. No matter how many people say it's a hopeless mission. This my dear, is what true love is. It's not the happily ever after part. It's knowing that you have found someone that will never stop searching for you, physically or metaphorically.

Finally. My favorite part. Cinderella forgives. She forgives her step-mother for being so cruel to her. She does this with grace. She does not offer to give her a space in her home because she does not deserve this. She gives her forgiveness but she is not all obligated to give her step-mother anything else. This is another lesson I want my daughters to understand. To forgive is a special gift and it is not meant to be used. It is not meant to have to go any further, you do not "owe" someone just because you were able to forgive their past transgressions. You are free to cut the cord to that person.

So next time you think ill of those "silly princess" movies, really think about the lessons they are teaching and you could be surprised to find beautiful life lessons to teach both your daughters and your sons.

New Year Resolution Reality

Even if you hate resolutions there's always something you hope for in the coming year. Whether it's in your work, your family, or within yourself, there are goals to be made and dreams to pursue.

My personal "resolution" is to find peace in each day. In 2018 I felt flustered quite a bit and it seemed to snowball from one aspect of my life to another where I could never find my peace. I really want to focus on quieting my worries and finding my peace for 2019.

The problem I have with resolutions is that I expect them to be perfected as of January 1. Not just by myself either but by my entire family. If I'm expected to find my peace then by golly, my husband should know to read my mind and my kids should know to behave. Mommy needs her peace, dang it!

In reality, this is not even close. I was plenty irritated today by different members of my family at different times throughout the day but as I waited for the girls to get done with their shower, I allowed myself some serious pondering on what my expectations should be for finding my sense of peace. I realized that I cannot expect my family to be on the same level with me at all times. It's more about how am I going to approach those moments where peace is hiding? How am I going to handle my three year old's temper tantrums when all I want is for her to get into bed?

The hardest realization I have when it comes to change is that not everyone will change with me. I need to change myself first and then maybe, others will follow suit. I can't want it to happen over night. I need to be intentional and I need to remind myself to find my peace until it becomes automatic.

Good luck in the next 364 days!

Some Days I Just Don't Want to be a Mom

Maybe it's coming down from the Christmas gathering high. Maybe it's returning to work after five days off. Maybe it's all the junk food I've consumed and all the alcohol I've drunk over the Christmas weekend.

Whatever it is, I have had two days in the last three that I have seriously told myself, "I just don't want to be a mom right now."

Our three year old has been throwing horrendous tantrums for the last week. We took her off of a nap schedule since she was being such a distraction at bed time and taking forever to fall asleep during her regular nap time, we thought it was a good time to transition her out of the nap stage. This last week though, by the time 4:00pm rolls around, she is an absolute pill! Never satisfied, never happy....ALWAYS CRYING!!! I can't take it!

Our older children are home from school for Christmas break. That about explains it. Endless fighting. Fighting because they're playing with each other's toys. Fighting because they aren't wanting to play with each other. It's seriously a no win situation every moment at our house.

These are the days I just want to be left alone and not have anyone touch me, talk to me. I just want to be by myself and have no other cares.

I realize I shouldn't think this way but it happens every once in awhile. I realize I probably don't pay as much attention to them as I should. I need to adjust my screen time just as much as I need to adjust theirs. I need to show them by example not by lecture. At times this works. Other times I don't have the back up I need by my husband to implement a plan.

I just get frustrated and by the time I realize what I need to do, it's usually too late. I've already yelled at them or ignored them or just ran away for a minute.

We all need to do a little better.

In Need of an Immune Booster!

Month three of sickness and it's only December. In October, we battled sinus infections and stomach flu; November brought more stomach flu; December we have random high fevers that last less than 24 hours but makes the kiddos incredibly irritable.

I can dote on the kids when they're sick all day long, but, when night comes around, I need to check out. Unfortunately, this seems to be when their symptoms are on high alert. The "mommy's", the vomit, the fevers, the thirst, the need for more medicine seem to always occur between the hours of 1 and 4 am.

I am not a good person when I don't get sleep. Last night was one of those nights that I'm not sure if I even did sleep as it was so choppy and I was kept up waiting for the next round of needs to begin. What's worse is I just can't get myself up for my early morning routine. The one that has a calming effect on me. It just makes the days a little bit harder.

I'm hoping the remainder of the winter will decrease the occurrences of our family being quarantined.

Why Do I Bother?

Seriously....

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother when it comes to motherhood. I knew this would be a long weekend as my husband was out of the house for basketball commitments so I had activities planned ahead of time to keep the kids occupied to avoid any fighting, yelling, the normal occurrences of our evenings.

I had a painting Christmas craft, a coloring craft, letters, outdoor time, baking cookies, all in the last two days. As my husband predicted, that took up a total of about an hour of their time and they were right back to fighting, yelling, tearing up the house, arguing. You know. The real fun stuff.

I don't know what it is with our oldest but he is in such an argumentative stage of his life right now. Anything I suggest or say is automatically responded with a "Why?" or an "I don't want to do that." or an "It's not my fault". Every. Single. Time. I don't know how to handle that. I get immediately frustrated and just begin to yell at him. It starts before I can stop it and I'm left feeling so incredibly guilty. I go back and try to talk to him in a calmer tone and explain why I get so upset when he makes arguments over things I'm asking him to do. I try to explain to him that I ask him to do those things not because I'm angry with him but because I need his help. He acts like he understands what I'm saying but an hour later the cycle continues. I just don't know what to do.

This morning after taking all three kids to mass by myself, I just gave up. I thought, "Why do I even bother? I had fun activities planned and I still get eye rolls and whining and fighting and yelling". So I ignored them. For three hours this morning I did not acknowledge them. It sounds worse than it actually was. I didn't respond to their whines, their questions, their tattle-tales. I was silent.

I finally gathered them up at lunch time and asked them how they liked me ignoring them this morning and how it felt. They said they didn't like it and it made them feel bad. I told them that that was how I felt for the last two days because I was either ignored after giving them instructions or I had to listen to them arguing with me about it. We all decided from then on we were going to work together and have a fun day. That lasted about an hour. Again.

I am at a loss of what to do and I feel like a complete failure that I can't go two days without being so irritated by them and how they can't go two days without the fighting and crying. It's everyone on overload the entire time! I feel like I can't call my husband about it because then it seems like he should never leave the house.

What really ticks me off is that I was gone most of last weekend and my husband was with the kids and they got along fine. No complaints! So then I think, "Is it me?". Do I bring out the worst in my kids? Do I bring out the worst in our family? That's a horrible feeling and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I have tried every angle with them and I always come up short. I feel so helpless and exhausted and just a failure as a mom, as a wife. It just really sucks.

What A Week...

I realize I'm already ridiculously behind on many of my personal goals. This week has been chaotic and sadly, it's not done yet!

Between mom fails, car fails, work fails....I'm surprised I haven't polished off a bottle of wine to forget it all.

Let's start at the beginning....

Monday. As I'm finishing up my work day my boss walks in (enter eye roll). He's in a panic because there was a mistake on one of my charts. A mistake that I realized was made last week and I had already fixed it. He refuses to hear me that I already fixed it so he goes on and on and on about how a mistake was made. Thanks for listening boss-man!

Tuesday. I volunteered to work the afternoon and all was well. Until the last hour. It's always the last hour that makes me run ragged! Oliver, our oldest, had a Christmas concert so I brought his clothes into town to avoid a running back and forth moment as we live ten minutes outside of town and my husband and I both worked until 6. I wasn't able to leave my work until 6:20. As I get into my vehicle I receive a phone call from daycare, "Nora (our youngest) hasn't been picked up from daycare yet". *&*#^*!!!! I had assumed my husband was going to pick her up after school and take her to practice with him. Right after that my husband calls me (it is now 6:26), "Oliver goes on stage in four minutes and he is still in his gym shorts and t-shirt!". *&^%%*&^*!!!!! I race across town to pick up Nora then race across town to get Oliver his clothes. There are ZERO spots close to the theater to park. I run with Nora under one arm and a pile of clothes under the other. CHAOS! He had a Spiderman shirt under his nice sweater which could not be hidden and no socks. Mom fail.

Wednesday. Time for an oil change on the minivan to prepare for holiday travels! Oil change, Power Steering flush, that's all I need. I trust our car guys as they never make me feel stupid and give me their honest opinions on what needs to be addressed sooner rather than later and what isn't a major concern at the moment. I get the call, "Your brakes are metal on metal and the cords are starting to show on your tires". *&%%*&^*^!!!!! This van has been a money suck for the last three months and I just wanted an easy appointment. We've been battling heating malfunctions in single digit temperatures, massive coolant leaks that sprayed the entire underhood, and now this. All right before Christmas. So I get the brakes and order the tires because it needs to be done. Especially before we travel for the holidays. Not cool. To top it off, my debit card refused to pay that much in one place so I had to call the bank and wait ten minutes for them to up my daily limit since I had forgotten our checkbook. Embarrassment...

Thursday. I work all day. I had three no-show and one cancelled appointment all afternoon. I do not like twiddling my thumbs at my job. And of course it's never the last ones of the day that do that to me. No! It's got to be the patients immediately after lunch. So the day can really drag on! The Central City boys basketball team lost and my Huskers are struggling against Illinois.

Friday. It  hasn't happened yet, but I volunteered to work so my day's already shot.

Don't get me wrong, I will find my Suzy Sunshine and I will get out of this rut. There's not too much more that can happen, right?