Some days I feel worthless. Other days, I feel like I have it all figured out. So when is it just a normal "case of the blues" and when do we utter the forbidden "D-word"?
I feel like I have been fighting the same struggles for years with no victory won over any. There are days where I can ignore the struggles better but they are still there, begging me to turn my attention to them. It brings me down, forces me to turn away from the things I enjoy instead to try and get a handle on the things that cause me so much worry. The worst thing is in the end, at that particular moment, there isn't a whole lot I can do which increases the worry.
I feel like at times I fail greatly as a mother. After Nora was born, I thought at one point I had post-partum depression then would cast that thought aside because I had no ill-feelings toward our new-born baby. But then I read an article this week that makes me think otherwise and think that I may still be in that stage. Post-partum can also show itself as a feeling of parental failure. Check!
Our older children are in a stage where nothing I suggest or do with them seems to satisfy their needs. Somethings are too boring or others are too hard that they attempt once, fail, and never want to try again making me feel like I don't know what to do with them. They want me to play with them but I find that they actually behave much better if I stay out of the way and let them play on their own. There seems to be less arguing, less consoling. Which really makes me feel great as a mom seeing that they might very well be better off without me. Note the sarcasm.
I understand this is a harsh statement to give to myself. I should see this as a great thing that they don't need me to be hovering over them just to get them to play together. Instead it is seen as a failure that my children don't enjoy my company. I need to realize that there are times I they don't need me and times they do. Story time is a favorite that I know they will turn to me more often than not because they can't read yet. But what happens when they do read? I hope that there will be something else they will come to me for. So instead of getting down about it, why can't I enjoy the time I have now? The constant worry of the unknown and the thought of them growing up scares me when it should bring joy to know that they are functioning children.
I believe it's the selfishness. Feeling that I need to have more involvement. That they don't want ME. That I am failing as a mom when there really is no sign of that. I need to get over it. I am here to guide them, not to hover over them. I am here to help them, not to force them. It's a never ending balance that I really just need to let go of if I hope to get over the guilt and anxiety that comes with raising kids these days. As far as we can tell and others can see, our children are happy children. Yes, they throw tantrums and can be less than helpful but overall, they really are good, kind kids. I need to open my eyes to that.
Dear God, thank you for being there as a rock during my struggles. Some struggles seem to be on repeat but I find the more I allow You in, the better handle I have. It's when I close myself off to you that I feel the most pain. Help to guide my parenting to have Your ideals in mind and to allow myself to be open to others that are probably having the same self-doubts. Help me to let go of my selfish ways and enjoy this life that You have provided for us. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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