What's My Worth?

What is my worth?

I've struggled with that most of my adult life. I have no idea what value I bring to this life. I've felt like more of a disappointment than anything, from my choices in college to how I live my life now. I struggle to find my worth and I feel like when some point out what my value is, it's too few and far between to help me shake the feelings and thoughts that I struggle with everyday. I feel like I can't get anything right. I'm constantly making mistakes and bringing others down.

Many days I'm left to wonder, "is this what depression feels like?"

So where did this begin?

In high school I felt I was important. I was involved in everything from sports to one-acts. I had friends. I had boyfriends. I think I was your pretty typical teenage girl. I thought I had my future life figured out once I graduated and started at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. I knew for three years of high school that I wanted to attend UNL and I wanted to study Athletic Training and eventually become a Physical Therapist. My first semester was pretty clear cut. I did well, could've done better. I didn't make the honor roll but I got A's and B's for the most part. I partied too much probably. I didn't expand my social horizons past the old high school group which could have been part of my problem although I couldn't really tell you why.

By sophomore year, though, it got rocky for me. I was accepted into the Athletic Training program but realized half-way through my first semester sophomore year that I didn't want to deal with whiny athletes the rest of my life. So I tried pre-radiology and spent two years applying without being accepted. So now in my second semester of Junior year and I had no major and no real career prospects. I was taking random classes that I didn't really care much about and became a C student, something I never thought I would be. I felt like a major disappointment to my family, to myself.

In my fourth year at UNL I had randomly heard about the Physical Therapist Assistant program at Clarkson College. I gave it a shot and wrote a pretty good essay, at least it must have been good because my GPA wasn't stellar and I was accepted. I thought at least I would be able to get half-way to my original goal. I probably could have graduated from UNL if I had stayed one more year but I just wanted to be done and knew my degree wouldn't be anything worthwhile.

So it took me six years to obtain an Associate's degree. Not something I'm proud of and something I regret greatly everyday. It's also something my family hasn't let me live down. After sophomore year at UNL I ran out of scholarship money. It was all loans, personal and from my parents. My family reminds me that I was a financial waste in college. They do so lovingly of course and I can never tell them how it truly makes me feel because the support is never there. Of all six girls, I always hoped that I would have it together. Not so much.

The last three years I have really wanted to go back to school and get a couseling degree. Whether a guidance counselor in a high school to prevent other students from repeated my mistakes, or a family counselor to help kiddos that are from rough backgrounds or in the system. My husband has actually supported me in this but I got scared away and the more I look into it, the more frightened I become. The biggest part is the financial. Between my husband and I, we have almost $40,000 left in student loan debt. Something I'm not too thrilled about increasing. There's also not much in the way of financial aid when you are married and currently have a full-time decent paying job. The one thing I did do right is hurting my chances of having a career I love. Most people would look at me and say "Buck up, at least you have a job". Yes, I know.

I look at my parents who have been in jobs they don't enjoy for decades. I try not to complain for their sakes but I also know that they wanted better for us girls which is why they worked those crummy jobs. I screwed up and it's really affected me. I feel like I can't enjoy my life the way I should and my value is worthless. I try to focus on my family. I try to focus on my hobbies. Most days I just feel like it doesn't matter. I try to be everything and I feel like nothing.

Please God, get me out of this funk.

Change

Over the last six months or so, I have been taking myself through a denominational change. The first three months, I researched myself before I decided I was serious enough to talk it over with my husband. Thinking back on it, that was silly because my husband should have been present from the start. I may have given him little signs of what I was going to ultimately ask of him but I don't know if he took them too seriously or even noticed. It's easy to get distracted so I don't blame him if he didn't.

We are currently going through the conversion from raised ELCA Lutheran to E-free to now, Catholic. The big "C". A denomination I had been raised to loathe by my mother. A denomination I was raised to think was high and mighty with their noses in the air. Yes, we are joining. Sorry, mom.

My dad was raised catholic and most of his family are practicing catholics. My mom was raised Lutheran in our home ELCA church. When my mom was a Junior in high school, she and my dad became pregnant with my oldest sister and decided to get married before she was born. Good thinking. The original plan, as far as anyone knows, was for my parents to get married in the catholic church and for my mom to convert, which was going along as planned until something happened that completely turned my mom away from the church with a bitter hate that no one has been able to figure out. There are many times I wonder if my dad even knows what the reason was. In short, the plan to turn catholic was torched and my parents got married in the Lutheran church and my dad became lutheran. Growing up, it was never asked why or how or if dad would have preferred everything to have gone as planned. Around mom you just didn't bring it up.

So imagine my surprise when I realized that the catholic church was where my family and I belonged. Oh, boy. It would be nice if Hallmark made a greeting card for me to send to my mom rather than tell her in person because she is not one afraid to smack. Or scoff. Or disown. That may be a bit dramatic but needless to say, I am dreading tell her about our decision to convert.

Here's how our journey began. We moved to Holdrege three and a half years ago. One of the preparations for moving was to find a daycare as we had two young children at the time. I had heard good things about Trinity daycare at the E-free church here in town and decided to take a look. I liked what I saw and figured we'd need to find a new church too so why not start there?

It was different from what my husband and I were used to as we were both raised ELCA and attended ELCA in Grand Island with no real need to feel to look elsewhere. So when we began to go to Trinity, we found that we really enjoyed it. The pastors were great, the music was modern, and everyone was extremely kind. That was where we made our church home.

Two years later, we had our daughter, Nora. My biggest worry during my pregnancy was where were we going to have her baptized? Trinity's head pastor came from a baptist background and they did not believe in infant baptism. Why? I couldn't really tell you. I think because they believe it to be an adult decision to become a child of God rather than have someone else do it for you. I was somewhat embarrassed because I really couldn't come up with a good reason of why I wanted her baptized as an infant so badly. It was mostly because I was raised in that thought.

Before she was born I tried so hard to tell myself it didn't matter if she was baptized as an infant or not and I would immediately feel like an idiot because of course it was mattered if she was baptized or not! I kept telling myself that she's a child of God no matter what. Or that children that weren't baptized such as miscarriages or SIDS were surely in heaven with the Father. But something in me just couldn't shake the fact that if at all possible, it needed to be done. So finally I decided to talk to our pastor and see what could be done about her being baptized after she was born. I had the argument of in the days of Jesus Christ, all were baptized in the homes of the followers, no matter what age. I felt that as BJ and I were believers, that our children are as well and should be baptized as such. We already had backup plans if they would deny it but I really wanted her to be baptized in our church.

I met with pastor and he took it to the church board which they surprisingly allowed for us to have her baptized. The only stipulation was that it needed to be outside church hours and we would have a dedication during church hours. I figured as long as she got the water and the sign of the cross, I was good with that. I was also hoping that through this, the light bulb would turn on and our church would maybe begin infant baptisms. It didn't happen. In fact, soon after during church, baptism as an adult was mentioned in the sermon and I couldn't help but think that it was geared towards us a little.

Then more questions were raised. I realized Oliver was getting closer to the age of understanding and taking communion and wondered what Trinity's policy was on that to get the response of it being our responsibility as the parents to decide when they were ready. Again, I didn't like that response. I began to question confirmation, again not something practiced at Trinity. With every question, I would try to tell myself I could live with my kids not experiencing that and everytime I would feel this urge of "Yes. Yes it does matter".

I talked to BJ about it, not very in depth but more of trying to get his thoughts on what I already felt to be right. He agreed that it was important to him and maybe we should look into other denominations. Where do we start? With every denomination we looked at, we came to the realization that we wanted stability and the only church that provided stabiity was indeed the catholic church. The church also taught what I felt strongly about such as pro-life, non-conformity to society, etc. I didn't know how BJ was going to respond and I was very nervous to talk to him about it. Surprisingly when I brought it up, he was open to it. He did admit that it caught him off guard but he was willing to talk to our close friends who went to All Saint's Catholic Church and get some information from them.

So began the eventual decision to convert. We spoke with Father this last week and went to our first mass as followers and not as aliens. Am I disappointed that I can't participate in communion, yes. But communion in catholic terms is so much more than what I had been raised as communion to be. It's the eucharist. The actual presence of Christ in the bread and the wine. Taking communion anywhere else would seem wrong as we learn more about the teachings of the church.

I'm not going to lie, it's not going to be easy. There have been numerous times I've told myself, "never mind, I'm good where I'm at" but again, that urge for more comes into play and it's very hard to ignore. Our first mass attendence was frustrating and intimidating because we don't have the prayers memorized and they don't exactly give you a verbatum bulletin that you can figure out where the service is heading or what's going to be said. Add 3 kiddos to the mix and not a lot of learning can be done. We have signed up to take classes and we have received the Catechism (which is completely intimidating!) so we are all in. Not many people know our decision. We're sure to be getting questions as we go further into this journey which I'm not sure if I'm prepared for. I've been more concerned about telling my parents than anything. I pray that my mom has an open mind to it all and ignores her tendency to become defensive. I pray she knows this was not a decision to hurt her in anyway. I pray she will listen and be supportive. Come to think of it, maybe I'll tell dad first...

Back to the Drawing Board

I need to be honest with myself. I don't know if this blog is taking me where I need to go. I don't know if it's because I've been so inconsistent with it. Or if it's because I feel like people wouldn't care enough about it to make it go anywhere. Both are reasons why it hasn't gotten anywhere because I feel like I'm not allowing it to go anywhere.

That's my problem. I listen too much to the negative (my projected opinions of others, Satan filling my head with doubts), and not enough on the positive - that this is what God is calling me to do. Maybe it's not necessarily the blog, but I know He wants me to write. I know because of the feeling I get when I write, because of how it makes me feel closer to Him, becaues it follows all "rules" when it comes to listening to God's voice and following Him. I get the positive feelings when I write. When I don't write, I get the negative.

A big part of it, too, is that I'm never sure what I should be writing about. Do I write about what I'm struggling with? About my marriage? About parenting? About whatever? I tend to get overwhelmed by too many choices. I would be horrible with a renovation! I worry that if I put too much into one piece, will it be too scatter-brained? I need flow which will come with practice I'm sure.

I need to keep the mantra of "practice makes perfect" and practice this everyday, in some way. Whether it's this blog or whether it's the novel I've been wanting to start. Either way, I need practice and I need to continue to trust in God.

Human Heartache

Last week was a very dark week for me. I entered into it thinking I was going to be relaxed and calm, give myself a renewed energy to take on the world! Then my "worst case scenerio" thinking got the best of me and I was anything but relaxed, and calm, and renewed.

BJ and the kids were going to be out of town, leaving me at home by myself. My in-laws thought it'd be nice for me to have a quiet weekend before the chaos of basketball season began, which was very thoughtful and I accepted. When they were getting ready to leave on Friday afternoon, I had this disturbing feeling that I might not see them again. Like I was foreseeing some sort of horrible accident that would take them all from me in a flash. I thought of all the I-80 crashes that had occured this year alone, particularly the one of the family of five that died in a single accident.

It was disturbed thinking, I know, but I couldn't shake it. I counted down the timeline to when my husband would have dropped off the kids at my in-laws and waited for him to call. Not a word. I waited to calm down and texted my mother-in-law to make sure they had made it. She replied yes and we were able to Facetime before bed. BJ called me when he was at a truck stop just outside of Lincoln and all was good there. At least for the night, I could relax some.

On Sunday morning it was the same eerie feeling that I wasn't going to see them again. So I busied myself, waiting for BJ or the kids to call. At 10:30 my mother-in-law again texted me to say that my husband and the kids had just left for home. I sat impatiently for them to get home and when they pulled into the driveway, I was beyond relieved!

Embarrassingly enough, I was also a little annoyed. Annoyed with myself that I allowed myself to be so worried over them, unable to fully enjoy the quiet. I was annoyed that the first thing they did when they got in the house was start wrestling. Didn't they know the fear I had felt all weekend for their safety? Couldn't they have taken a minute to take in the calm that I so desperately wanted to feel? Then I realized how selfish I was being. These are my kids. This is how they act. They wrestle, they fight, they don't listen to a thing I tell them. I was the one who acted on my own anxieties rather than allow God to protect them. There was nothing I could control, even if something bad had happened. It was all my own doing.

Two days later, I did get some horrific news. A former co-worker, and very kind family, had lost their infant daughter. I still have not heard exactly what happened but it sounded like a case of SIDS. I became so heartbroken for her. To have to know that she would have to say good-bye to a child she had only begun to know. To go through the pain of no longer nursing. To go home to her clothes still in the laundry, her soiled diapers still in the trash and yet, she was gone. I felt so ill to hear the news.

Now, I've suffered a miscarriage and I know that barely brushes the surface of how you feel when you lose an infant child. The changes that come with a miscarriage are kept inward. There's no one mounring at a funeral. There's no deliverance to heaven that we can see. In no time, there's no evidence that the baby inside me even existed. It was too early to have any baby items laying around the house. I know that I hurt at that moment but I also know it was nothing compared to what this family had to go through.

At the rosary, I looked down the aise at the casket. This tiny casket that held such a tiny person. I couldn't bring myself to view her for a few reasons. My co-worker had left the company before she had the baby so I never got to meet her. Also, I couldn't bring myself to see what she would look like. In my head I saw a sleeping baby, I didn't want to see it any other way.

Through the week I realized I really wasn't sad that she was gone. We all go at some point in our lives. I was sad that her family had to say good-bye so quickly, with no warning. I had to remember that we don't control our lives, no matter how hard we try. We are not the ones in charge. God is. And God's will be done.

Dear God, I pray you give peace to those that have lost a child at any stage of life. Amen

Kids and Chores

BJ and I have been struggling to find a consistent approach to giving Oliver and Brynn more responsibilities. I really want them to understand the value of money and how to live within their means since that is something that BJ and I have both struggled with. Obviously, I don't expect them to fully grasp it now, but I thought if we could at least get them thinking about it now, they will have more questions and we can guide them through it.

I came up with the "post it" system that will hopefully work. I made a chart of six different chores written on post-its that they were able to pick themselves. They will be responsible for those chores the entire week and then switch. They then get a quarter for each chore they complete.

Yesterday, they were very agreeable to this and I'm hoping that they will continue that atitude. My problem is that I am going to expect it to be happy time but in reality I am going to face some resistence. I've already talked to BJ about needing his support in this because if I'm the only one requiring they complete their chores, it's not going to last. Which is what has happened so many other times I tried to enforce any sort of responsibilities on them. He was in agreement and I hope it continues.

Dear God, Allow us to be patient in this teaching moment for the kids. Help us to guide them and not expect perfection initially but expect growth and acceptance of responsibilities from the kids. Help me to remember I do not have to do everything just because I want it just so. Amen

2016 Election

This is a very emotional time. A time where we, the American people, elect a new president. I have never been very into politics until the 2012 election. That was the first time I voted. I voted for our current president, Barak Obama. I voted for him because I truly thought he could still give us hope and change for the better. I felt his first four years didn't give him adequate time to complete all he wanted to do but unfortunately I now feel like it just gave him more time to harm our country than make it better.

Now there are nine days left until we elect a new leader and I am just now feeling confident in how I plan to vote. Here are my main points when chosing who to vote for:

1. I will not vote for a candidate that will put the lives of our military in danger for their own personal gain. These are fathers/mothers, husbands/wives, sons/daughters and they do not deserve to be puppets for the advantage of others.
2. I will not vote for a candidate that takes away the feel will of the people. This includes the unborn who have their own rights to free will.

I would also like to see a president that is not so hell-bent on being the "cool guy". I get annoyed real quick with presidents that feel being cool is more important than getting shit done.

I want a president that is going to fix what we have and not waste time and money on an entirely new system. We can all see how that worked out with the Affordable Health Care Act that just had to be passed.

I want a president that is going to focus on the middle class, truly. They can say they are going to take it to the 1% but what about monitoring the lower class as well? I feel that the lower classes, those on welfare and medicaid, take way more advantage of the middle class than the rich do.

I want a president that will make us an export country to help build the economy.

I want a president that will be led by the voice of the people and not government control.

These are my criteria. I don't believe there is that perfect candidate available this election year, but based on my top two, I know for sure who I won't be voting for. Another thing to keep in mind for future elections, I feel like the leader in all parties, Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Independent, should be able to participate in the debates whether they are below the 13% (or 15%, whatever it is).

I know I don't publicize my blog very much and maybe I will take this opportunity to copy this and send it on to my senator, governor, whoever will listen, to get my voice heard. Then I can patiently await the generic thank you note ;)

Dear God, please lead us to make the right decisions with the upcoming election and to watch over the newly elected president to lead with your will in mind. Help us to accept and be respectful of the president but to remember that we do not have to compromise our own morals. Also help us to remember that the USA is such a small part of this world and that there is so much more to be involved in. Amen

Being a Constant Presence

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

In a world that is constantly changing, knowing that Jesus's presence will always remain can be a rock. To know that I always have Him to go to, to talk to, makes me think of how truly gracious He is. I have been wondering about which church denomination would best tie my beliefs with Jesus' teachings, which church keeps Jesus' teachings without being worried about what society will think of them. I'm still at a loss!

I feel like some pastors might have the same views as I do, but the church as a whole is mixed, making it hard to get a good read on the groups belief system. Some are more liberal. Some are on a "pick and choose" basis. Some are not restricted in any way from beliefs to dress code. I just don't see how you can maintain a solid group if not all in the group believe the same thing.

Now there are things that I believe that might not fit into some churches. When looking at the Catholic church, I think there is a different between prevention and termination when it comes to the family. I don't think I would be accepted there very well with that state of mind. In the ELCA Lutheran church, they are getting to be too liberal for my liking. E-free is just out in the open. It's great to be accepting and all, but I feel like the lack of structure, of a solid group thought, makes the church more vulnerable to societal rules.

There are days when I wonder, "Do we really need all the rules?", and there are other days where I think, "Why don't you follow these rules?". For some reason I feel really torn with this decision and yet my husband is so nonchalant about it. He doesn't see why I make such a big deal of things and some days, I don't know either. I just really do not like it when I see churches conforming to what society decides is "normal". I don't think the churches should be bending their beliefs just because society thinks they are being too harsh. Christianity is harsh. From the moment it began, it has been nothing but harsh.

The fact that Jesus is the same now as he has always been, why are churches changing so much? I feel like there is a piece, or many pieces, missing when denominations pick and choose what practices they will be doing and how they will be doing them. In all honesty, the Catholic church should be praised and acknowledged on how they have not turned to society for evolving but how they have kept the same practices and beliefs since the beginning. In most cases. The whole allowing an annulment still puzzles me.

The more I think about my search for a new church, the more I do think of the Catholic church as being the better option. My husband and I have talked about it but just don't know if we want to jump into that quite yet. As most know, the Catholic church is not one you can just try out for a few weeks and see how you like it. It's one that you need to do your research on and be fully committed, otherwise you just don't get the whole experience. Let the search continue....

Dear God, Again, thank you for giving me free will to test my beliefs and to think for myself on what it means to be a follower of Christ. Help guide me to Your home and be free to talk about it with others, especially my family. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Change of A Church

I have been struggling with which Christian denomination is best for our family. My husband and I were both raised ELCA Lutheran but when we moved to Holdrege, we decided to go to an Evangelical Free church because a lot of people we had met guided us there. When we first started going to Trinity, we both really liked it. The pastor was great, the people were inviting but there were little things, really big things to me, that I just didn't agree with.

For example, they do not baptize infants but instead let the individual decide when they feel they have acknowledged Jesus Christ as their savior. They can be ten years old or sixty years old, doesn't matter. It also does not matter to them if they already had been baptized in the past. A friend of mine had a good thought about this practice. He felt like people were using baptism as an external statement about what should be an internal experience of the Holy Spirit coming into you. Which is true. I feel like people use baptism as a "conversation" piece. Of a way to look for the acceptance of others when that's not what it should be. I view confirmation as being that point when you make the conscious decision to follow Christ, which is something Trinity does not do.

Trinity also sees Holy Commuion as a parental decision. When the parent feels the child should receive communion, that's when they can take it. I personally do not agree with that. I understand there is a lot of parental involvement that comes with raising a child to follow Christ but there are some things that I feel someone more "holier" than I needs to bring to light. I also feel that being with peers helps in their understanding of what Holy Communion really stands for.

I am not trying to go on a rant of how Trinity or other E-Free churches perform their services. I am trying to sort out what I expect to gain out of my spiritual life and what I want my children to experience. I do believe that God lead us to Trinity initially because He knew it would force me to question my beliefs and to see what key elements of the church are important that I may have taken for granted as a teenager or young adult. I do enjoy pastor's messages but I feel like I need more and I am just not getting that at Trinity.

Dear God, Thank you for guiding me to question what it means to be a Christian in Your eyes. What it means to really accept Christ and follow his teachings. Help our family to find the church that best represents You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Blues vs Depression

Some days I feel worthless. Other days, I feel like I have it all figured out. So when is it just a normal "case of the blues" and when do we utter the forbidden "D-word"?

I feel like I have been fighting the same struggles for years with no victory won over any. There are days where I can ignore the struggles better but they are still there, begging me to turn my attention to them. It brings me down, forces me to turn away from the things I enjoy instead to try and get a handle on the things that cause me so much worry. The worst thing is in the end, at that particular moment, there isn't a whole lot I can do which increases the worry.

I feel like at times I fail greatly as a mother. After Nora was born, I thought at one point I had post-partum depression then would cast that thought aside because I had no ill-feelings toward our new-born baby. But then I read an article this week that makes me think otherwise and think that I may still be in that stage. Post-partum can also show itself as a feeling of parental failure. Check!

Our older children are in a stage where nothing I suggest or do with them seems to satisfy their needs. Somethings are too boring or others are too hard that they attempt once, fail, and never want to try again making me feel like I don't know what to do with them. They want me to play with them but I find that they actually behave much better if I stay out of the way and let them play on their own. There seems to be less arguing, less consoling. Which really makes me feel great as a mom seeing that they might very well be better off without me. Note the sarcasm.

I understand this is a harsh statement to give to myself. I should see this as a great thing that they don't need me to be hovering over them just to get them to play together. Instead it is seen as a failure that my children don't enjoy my company. I need to realize that there are times I they don't need me and times they do. Story time is a favorite that I know they will turn to me more often than not because they can't read yet. But what happens when they do read? I hope that there will be something else they will come to me for. So instead of getting down about it, why can't I enjoy the time I have now? The constant worry of the unknown and the thought of them growing up scares me when it should bring joy to know that they are functioning children.

I believe it's the selfishness. Feeling that I need to have more involvement. That they don't want ME. That I am failing as a mom when there really is no sign of that. I need to get over it. I am here to guide them, not to hover over them. I am here to help them, not to force them. It's a never ending balance that I really just need to let go of if I hope to get over the guilt and anxiety that comes with raising kids these days. As far as we can tell and others can see, our children are happy children. Yes, they throw tantrums and can be less than helpful but overall, they really are good, kind kids. I need to open my eyes to that.

Dear God, thank you for being there as a rock during my struggles. Some struggles seem to be on repeat but I find the more I allow You in, the better handle I have. It's when I close myself off to you that I feel the most pain. Help to guide my parenting to have Your ideals in mind and to allow myself to be open to others that are probably having the same self-doubts. Help me to let go of my selfish ways and enjoy this life that You have provided for us. In Jesus' name, Amen.

"Ole Yeller"

I'm a yeller. No, I'm not proud of it, it's just the way I am. I've tried to change my ways more than I can count to no avail. Maybe someday I'll figure it out. The trick is to find the triggers, control the emotions. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to control emotions when all you want to do is yell? When everything is coming at you at 100mph and there's no time to sit and sort it all out then what happens? Yelling. That's what happens.

I often wonder where I inherited this trait from. I can't remember my parents really yelling at me but they do admit to losing their cool every now and then. With six girls I can understand why. Is it because I grew up feeling like I had to be a perfectionist and everytime something went wrong my response was always defensive and angry? I would try and come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't get daily routines perfected and when I ran out of excuses, I beat myself down and had a horrible attitude.

I always hoped I wouldn't be a yeller when it came to my kids. Sometimes I yell without even realizing I'm yelling. The worst is the guilt that comes immediately after. I know I could have controlled myself. Quite remarkably, I feel like I have been much better with the yelling lately. But tonight it creeped back up again. And I feel horrible about it. There are times that I feel like the kids are fishing for it. Especially little miss Brynn. As I tell many people, she is our little drama queen. I feel like she can't process anything unless she's crying. Not annoying at all.....

And Oliver. He responds with wild screams and body convulsions when he's being disciplined. I know that this probably wasn't the best way to handle a "time out" situation but I had to try a few different times to actually get to what I felt the discipline should be. First I just told him to go to his room. Which he did but then I realized that he needed a reason for going to his room. He had been wrestling in the living room with his sister and she hit her head. So I went back into the room to tell him he needed to sit in time out and think about how he should be treating others which completely went in one ear and out the other because when I asked him to repeat why he was in time out he fell back on the old faithful "I wasn't listening". So he sat quietly and I went back in a few minutes later after a shorter than usual tantrum was thrown and again said that if he was able to tell me why he had to be in time out I would allow him to go back and play. Surprisingly, he recalled what I had said about playing with others. A good "aha" moment for me and hardly any yelling.

As we proceed throughout the nightly routine, we get the usual Nora throwing her food and cup on the floor, Oliver procrastinating and complaining about having to eat what I made, and Brynn shovelling food in her mouth like she won't ever eat again. Where Brynn procrastinates is in the bathroom when it's time to brush her teeth. She will sit there and stare for what seems like ever and take slow spits after I've started her timer so she doesn't have to brush as long. Frustrating! Then for night time prayers, Oliver and I start together, even after I ask if Brynn is also ready, knowing the whole time she's quiet that as soon as we are done she's going to cry that she didn't get to say her prayers. And this is EXACTLY what happened. In my low patience level for the day, I decide that enough is enough. Even though the last thing I should get angry about is prayer time, it's the fact that she takes joy in manipulating situations. Manipulating might be a strong word for what she does but it's how I see it because she gets to play the damsel in distress card and get attention. I was not going to have it and told her that if she was unable to say her prayers together then she would have to say them by herself which came with a normal crying response.

As I walked out of the room I hear Oliver tell Brynn that he will say their prayers with her. Made my heart melt and I felt so guilty. I could see the future now, they will conspire against me someday and I need to be ready for it! I need to be more attentive, less rushed. More quiet discipline, less yell. It's going to be a long journey...

Dear God, thank you for giving me the realization that I need to continue to better myself as a parent. That even if I screw up in one moment doesn't mean that I can't correct it in the same moment and come out feeling more calm and controlled. Help me to continue to discipline our children with love and not malice. Amen

Such a Hypocrite

I am a hypocrite. Shocker. To find someone that isn't a hypocrite in some way would be the real shocker.

As a Christian, I hear "hypocrite" a lot. And I get it. I preach love and can show hate. I preach kindness and begin to gossip. I preach acceptance and show discontent. I say it's not right to judge and I judge on a daily basis. I say often that all a person needs is to love and accept Jesus Christ as their savior, something so simple and black and white, but then add in all these complex grey areas.

I do these things not to be cruel but because the world, society, the flesh gets in the way. Everyday is a battle between good and evil, between God and my flesh. I often wonder how this started. How did I become so wrapped up in what the world thought of me or what my flesh felt I wanted? Thinking back, I don't think there was a pin-pointed time where I automatically switched. Maybe it's because my dad was always comparing himself to others.

My favorite quotes as I've said before "Don't judge others by the outside of their homes" from the Go Forth podcast. Then I heard today, "If you put your struggle into a jar with eight other people, you will ultimately take your struggle out of the jar because their's would seem worse". It's all about perspective and how well you hide your struggles. Is this a good thing, though? We should be expressing our struggles to invite others into our lives and find hope in that.

I feel like I get caught up in seeming like a burden to others and therefore I feel like I constantly need to hold my struggles in and put up a front of everything being perfect. News flash to myself, not everything is perfect all the time. There may be times where I feel like things have fallen into place but there's no guarantee of how long that will last. So why should I judge?

I think that people end up doing cruel things to others because they are unable to control the emotions of having to deal with their own struggles and take it out on others. They exploit others struggles to make theirs seem minimal which ultimately leads to hate and more problems. So begins the vicious cycle of our society. Having that opportunity to say "Well, at least I didn't do that" or "I'm definitely better off than that person" become a goal. That's why I would have moments of being obsessed with "Hoarders" or "Teen Mom" because I felt better about myself by judging the choices of others. Not a very Christian thing to do on a daily basis.

So how do I change this train of thought? Being diligent of thinking how Jesus Christ expects us to act and treat others is a start. To really sit and think of what others could be judging me for causes me to pause and reflect on my actions. I want to turn this on myself and reflect on what I would judge myself on if I was an outsider. What do I want my kids to see me as? How do I want them to see others? To see themselves? How to I begin to be and begin to show others what it truly means to be a follower of Jesus Christ?

Dear God, thank you for helping me push past my fear of being judged when I started this blog. Help me to continue it as a way to become closer to You and to others. Help me to reflect on my past actions to avoid those mistakes in the future. Amen

Friendships

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

I have never been the greatest at friendships. I honestly don't know if it's on my end or their's. Time too easily can get away from me. I know of one elementary friendship that has lasted, two high school friendships that have lasted, two college friendships, and one PTA school friendship that has withstood time. I don't know if this is sad or not, but my longest friendships have been with my cousins.

Maybe it's because I grew up with five sisters and had cousins really close in age that I just felt like I didn't really need a whole lot of friends. Since graduating college, I've been more selective on who I allow into my life. I'm not a perfect person so I don't feel like I need people that would judge me because of that.

There are friendships I have now that I pray I never lose. Those are the people that I could trust with anything and would do anything for. The people I can really count on. These relationships have made me a better person and have made me want to continue to better myself. You come to the realization that not all friendships stand the test of time. And while this is a sad realization, it's a part of relationships, there's a beginning and an end.

Over this last weekend, I was able to spend time with my two of my closest friends. And yes, they are my cousins. It was great getting to catch up with them without any distractions. This was actually the first time we had gone on vacation together. Usually we would just meet up for a night at one's house or try to meet up randomly on holidays or tailgates. Since getting married, it's been harder to coordinate the holidays where we will all be attending. So in a nutshell, it was so nice to get away and be focused on each other.

One thing I love about getting together with these girls is that there is no awkwardness. We pick up where we left off every time. We have so much history with each other and yet we have new passions that we discuss. It's frienships like this that I want to keep around, another reason why I can be picky about who I chose to keep in my life.

God has given me some pretty amazing people in my life. People that make me want to be a better woman, mother, wife, christian. I hope that I have been that friend to them.

Dear God, thank you so much for bringing such an amazing group of people into my life. Help us to build each other up and show others love the way You have intended it. Amen

Be Joyful in All Circumstances

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This is one of my favorite versus. So many times I find myself in a "blah" mood. I become a debby-downer and can only see the negative, fogging over the many positives that are surrounding me. I have a husband that loves me and our children. He is making efforts to help out with household chores, keeping my sanity in check! He is not perfect, but I appreciate his effort more than he will ever know. And yet, there are days when I sit and spew over the things he didn't do, completely ignoring his efforts. This is exhausting for both of us. He begins to feel like he can never do enough and I begin to feel like I will never get a break. Instead of stopping and talking to each other or praying together, I get snippy and angry. I need to take time to breathe. Time to pray. Time to see his efforts and know that he helps because he knows I need it. Because he knows how hard we both work to keep this house functioning.

In my debby-downer time, I see my kids as an annoyance. I said it. I love them to death but the constant fighting, yelling, tearing the house apart, whining can be a lot to deal with. All I want is for them to get along and pick up their toys. Is that too much to ask? Well, apparently it is when it comes to a 5 and 3 1/2 year old. It's easy for me to forget that they are kids. They are young kids that are still trying to learn about boundaries. But how many times can I repeat the boundaries before it finally sticks? BJ and I have been talking to Oliver about personal space and keeping hands to yourself for YEARS now and it's like talking to a wall. There is no carry over and it can be so FRUSTRATING!!! Too often I turn to yelling and even spanking if the situation is bad enough and I forget to breathe. I need to learn to talk to them and thank God for them everyday.

I look at our house and immediately feel defeated. I know it could be a good house. We have plans to make it a good house. It's the time factor. I feel like there is never enough time. We really do want to try and make this a DIY project but there is never the time. Honestly, there is a small part of me that wonders if we would survive a DIY project. We are very different when it comes to tackling tasks. My hope would be that it would bring us closer. That we would have to rely on each other to finish and can take pride that we did it together. We are too much the same and that can be scary to think of doing something that together. I need to remember that we have a home while there are others our there that don't. Does it need to be exquisite? No.

I get annoyed with my job sometimes. So often I think of the past and how I wish I had tried something different. Then I come to the realization that in every profession, there will always be the "what if's". There's always going to be a time when you aren't 100% confident in yourself. I am where I am and I need to make the best of it because again, I forget that there are people out there that either have no job or that have it worse than me at mine.

We all could probably use a reality check from time to time. So to come across this verse today that tells us to have joy and give thanks to God and to pray in all circumstances, this is my reminder that the things I get so hung up about, are so minor in how God wants us to live our lives. He wants us to wake up ready to give love to others, to allow him into our lives, to praise Him in all things. I need to remember that he wants to be there for me in my worst debby-downer days and in my happiest moments. I need to bring Him in and hold onto Him in my heart. I need to find the joy in all circumstances!

Dear God, thank you for giving me these blessings: for my husband, for my children, for our home, for Your Son, Jesus Christ. Help me to let go of the things that bring negativity and focus on the things that give me such joy! Amen

"Great Are You, Lord"

"Great Are You, Lord".

This is one of my favorite songs. This post may get a little cheesy but I don't really care because this is how I feel in the moment.

I first heard this song in church with our live band performing it. I cried the first time I heard it because it is such a powerful song. Now I cannot sing, but with this song I am so one of those congregation members that likes to THINK they can sing! I just love it.

"It's Your breath in our lungs,

So we pour out our praise,

We pour out our praise.

It's Your breath in our lungs,

So we pour out our praise to You only"

God gave us breath. God gave us life. God gives us love. Love so powerful and so unconditional that if you only believe that Jesus Christ is your savior, you will have eternal life. What an amazing concept. And yet I fall so short everyday of living up to His expectations, hard as I may try. 

I am not perfect. I could be a better wife. I could be a better mother. I could be a better person. My children are not perfect. My husband is not perfect. My friends are not perfect. We live our lives judging others for their imperfections while fighting our own demons. I have really been trying to focus on this aspect of my life. To hold back the judgmental thoughts and words and think instead of how can I pray for this person? How can I let them know that I am here for them? How can I love them? It can be very awkward and very humbling. And let me tell you, it takes a lot of hard work and reminding to love others as God loves us.

So for all those that are struggling, no matter how big or small you may think it is, I'm praying for you. I'm praying for you to find the positive when surrounded by so much negative. i'm praying for you to find love where there is so much hate. I'm praying for you to find God among so many demons. When it comes down to it, I truly do feel that if you look towards God, you will feel relief. I have many times and I am far from being the perfect christian. He's there for you, for me, for all of us whether you want to believe it or not. 

Dear God, thank you for showing me what it means to love. Help me to raise my children to love as you would have it and to help me to love others the way you would have it. Amen

Back to Original Thought

When I became more serious about writing, I intended it to be used to build my relationship with God. I wanted to use it as a way to grow and understand what it means to me to be a Christian. There are many times I lose sight of that and it can be difficult to find my voice again.

I have felt more disconnected to God lately and I am really wanting to turn that around so I thought the best place to start would be here. Earlier this year, BJ and I really focused on our marriage through our faith. I felt like we opened up to each other more and became less defensive towards each other. It was a nice change! I was praying more, I was reading more, I really felt like I was growing closer to God.

Then what? Life got away from me. I became too busy to write, too busy to read, too busy to pray. I can honestly say I've been more tense these last couple of weeks because I let myself become "too busy". There were even some days that I just wanted to shut my brain off and not think about anything and yet I was thinking about EVERYTHING and accomplishing NOTHING!

So here I am, back at the drawing board to reach deeper into myself to build that relationship again, with God, with the people that I love. I have started writing my daily bible verses hoping to bring them to this blog. I have started praying more hoping to find more time to have one-on-one time with God. I still have a ways to go but I hope I continue on this path.

There's too much evil going on in the world. I really want to fight like hell to keep hold of my faith so I can find good in the world and teach my kids to focus on what is good.

Dear God, I am sorry I have let myself become distant from You. Help guide me through this life towards you. Amen

One on One

BJ and I have three children. We love them all unconditionally, no question, but there are times when it can be overwhelming. They are 5, 3 1/2, and 1 which are all great but energy consuming ages. Most days I find it hard to keep up with them and if I manage to, I immediately want to crash as soon as they go to bed. Some days they can really drive me crazy but I found something that helps keep the sanity...one-on-one time.

I rarely get the chance to hang out with each kiddo one-on-one. It's tough to do when BJ can't be around a whole lot and when schedules just seem to get busier and busier, but when I do get those chances it is so much fun!

When you become a parent, one of the biggest pieces of advice is to find time for yourself. I completely agree that you need to have your own time but honestly, I think spending one-on-one time with each child is even more of a sanity saver. Especially for moms, as we tend to have separation anxiety and guilt whenever we step out of the house. It's good to know when you need to be alone but to build a relationship with my kids is so much more important to me.

The toughest part is finding time to be with each child. More times than not, I don't even plan for it. That's another thing, I think as moms we feel like we need to have elaborate getaways with our kids to make good memories with them when really it can be as simple as running to the store with one of them or spending a few extra minutes after a doctor's appointment to hang out. I feel like in the long run, they appreciate those more, that you took an extra minute to make sure their recent shot doesn't hurt anymore. I know not every time can work out this way but even once in a blue moon is a step in the right direction. Now, I'm not saying coddle them, that can easily make things worse for all involved! But to be present and to let them know you're here for them.

My best friend has a great quote she gives her kids and I find myself thinking of it often. When her oldest comes to her with a concern he will ask, "Can I tell you something?" and she will always respond with, "You can tell me anything". I love it. Something so simple just to let them know that you are there for them whether it be big or small. My other favorite quote on being engaged with you kids is "Be there for the small stuff because to your children, the small stuff is big. It'll make them want to come to you when the real big stuff starts". I admit I'm not always the best at listening to their every complaint (and I wonder where they get the not listening from) but I'm trying.

Oliver and I seem to have had a lot more opportunities to spend time together with his pre-ops and dental surgery and post-ops. BJ doesn't handle the medical side of things so it's usually me that is taking them which gives us some alone time. Oliver is a pretty cool kid. He has crazy energy and is a bit whiny but when you get him one-on-one he is so sweet and funny. He talks a mile a minute and is so amazed at things I take for granted as an adult.

Nora has taken up a lot of my time as she is the baby and has been hooked to my side for over a year. Our to-do lists revolve around her at the moment as she is the neediest. Love her to death but there are many days I refer to her as a stage-5 clinger because it's impossible to get anything done without her crying to be held. But she makes up for it in kisses and snuggles!

Brynn has been harder to find moments with. I had to take away her grocery shopping privilege due to her recent behavior at the store making it even tougher. We did find time to go the library today, just the two of us, which was good. She can be so sweet when she and Oliver aren't fighting and when she's not competing for attention with Nora. You can definitely tell Brynn is a middle child and I'm trying to remember to include her for more things. She has such a tender heart and loves to help others. She is going to be the one I feel I will butt heads with as she grows up. Good thing I'm learning to keep my cool now!

When I see how difficult it is to spend time with each kiddo, plus alone time, plus time with BJ, plus work, plus normal day to day duties, it's easy to see where it can be overwhelming! And I only have three kids! So my best advice is to not get so caught up in what others are doing parenting-wise or if other kids behave differently than yours. In the end we are all just trying to make it through the next 18 years without screwing them up too badly and keeping hold of whatever sanity we have left. The best thing I can do for my children is to love them and show them how to love others. The world is ugly out there. I want them to know that I am here for them and they don't need to be ugly, hurtful people to get through this life. Be kind.

Dear God, Thank you for our three amazing children and for our baby that was able to be with you early, we still think of him/her often. Help us to become good parents and good role-models in your eyes showing our children what it means to love and not to become distracted by our short comings. Amen

Good Moments

Do you ever have one of those days where everything falls into place. Where things align the way you need them to and stress seems to melt away? Today was one of those days for me.

I know a couple days ago I posted about being so stressed out over a bump in the road. Stressing over something that I didn't know if it would work out or not. Well, thankfully, God grants us new days. Days to start over. Days to have a new perspective. Days to trust in Him that all will be okay. Our dilemma was worked out. Am I still upset that it had to happen in the first place? Absolutely. But all I can do is pray that we don't have to deal with that again and that I will be more diligent to NOT LET it happen again. Because I am so done with dealing with that kind of stuff.

No, I won't go into specifics because not all things need to be shared. If you feel like you need to know what it was, think of something that has happened in your life more than you'd like to admit. Something that you've had to fight through, organize through, adapt through. Think of that and think of how stressed you were to get through it. How you held your breath waiting for those moments to pass and to see the light on the other side. If you have never had one of those moments, THEN you can judge me for being dramatic or for being so stressed when it seemed to have worked out fine. I'm only human.

Solving that dilemma was a good part of today. I felt relief, not defeat. I felt like God was there guiding me to find the solution. Like I said, I hope this does not occur again but to know that God is in my corner really does lift the weight off of my shoulders and give me hope that I can beat this and I can find a way to stay on top of things.

Another thing about today, this is my first week at my new schedule and I am LOVING it! Already I don't feel as strung out when I get home. I feel more relaxed and that I can just enjoy what's going on around me rather than rush through the evening. Now, don't get me wrong, I have had moments of frustration with the kids not listening as well as I would like them to, but it hasn't been near as bad as past moments.

I really do hope it continues to feel this way and becomes even better. I'm trying not to get to caught up in schedules and just letting the kids and I enjoy the summer and enjoy spending some extra time together. That will all come into play soon enough when school starts up again.

Today was just a good day and I want to share that feeling with others. That even though everyday might not be a good day, hang on to and enjoy the ones that are. Don't feel like a bad day has to run into all subsequent days. It's okay to start fresh and find the good in your day, whatever that may be!

Dear God, Thank you for allowing me to feel your presence today. Help me to continue on your path and to not get so wrapped up in what's going wrong but focusing on what is feeling right. Amen

Never Easy

Things in life can never be easy. There's always a surprise that puts a hiccup in your plans. I am in that hiccup.

I say to myself, "It will all work out" and "stay calm" and "God will get you through it".....But there are some days it all sounds like bullshit. It's not like I've never been in this situation and we haven't made it through those times, but this time around I feel extra vulnerable.

There's nothing I can do but wait, and hope and pray that it ends up being not as bad as I thought. I feel like this has been a never ending battle and the most frustrating thing is that it is all on me. I did this. I ignored this. And now we are paying for it. It depresses me, it drains me and I don't know what to do.

I remind myself that others have it worse off than us. I try to take deep breaths. I try to pray. Sometimes all that feels so short lived. Quick relief for a sickening feeling.

Today I feel defeated. I wish I had the words today but I just can't.

Dear God, give me strength and courage to get through this difficult time. Help me to trust in You that it will work out. Amen

Why Writing?

What made me turn to writing?

I have always enjoyed writing. Whether it be journaling, speadsheets, lists, poems, stories, I have always had a love for it. I am an organized person and I feel like writing is the best way for me to maintain that. There's just something about getting everything out in front of me that helps me process, that helps me cope, that helps me solve whatever it is I'm going through. If I let it all stay in my mind and try to grasp at things, I get flustered and usually end up landing on my ass.

Through my writing, I feel like a weight has been lifted. Almost like when I pray to God, which I feel my writing is. I've never been a good speaker and I feel like I can make more sense of things when I write and feel like I can connect better when I'm writing. All of a sudden everything that had been bothering me is lifted. The situation may not be solved, but at least I feel like I've gained an edge. There have been many times after I write that I have more confidence in confronting something that has been bothering me. If BJ and I got into an argument, I go back and talk to him about it or apologize for it. I'll text or call someone I've been thinking about. I just have a new perspective and feel I can move forward.

I am also a "worst case scenerio" thinker and that's why I like to write stories. My biggest fear growing up was that I would drive off a bridge. Don't ask me why, it's just been my fear. So every time I drove over a bridge, which is a lot, I would often think of how terrible it would be if I drove off and fell into the river or creek or whatever was under that bridge. Then I'd start to think about what WOULD happen and here came the stories. Now I have never shared my stories and I don't know if I ever will but there are written or partially written.

Poems are just fun to write. They are hard, but worth it! They can take a lot of time and a lot of trial and error but I enjoy them. I wrote a poem for my dad for his 60th birthday with the help of my sisters and it was a lot of fun! Most of the time they are just silly but I have written a few serious ones, especially in my younger days.

Lists! There is nothing like writing on a piece of paper and crossing out as you go along. I love it! BJ makes fun of me that I still have a paper planner instead of putting everything on my phone, there is no joy in that! Same goes with reading books. I can't do Kindles or Nooks or whatever else is out there now for reading. I need paper. I need to be able to flip a page and, let me be honest, I need to read the last page. It's just my thing.

Like I said, I have been writing in a journal for a long time but typing in that area is much easier. My hands don't get as crampy and it's harder to get a hand-written journal out in the public. Although if you asked my husband, he would argue that it could go public but that's another story...

I honestly think that God has given me this passion (I don't know if I can call it a gift yet because I don't know how good I am) to reach out to others. I don't know how to to who but maybe. I can't ignore that feeling when I've felt a very strong pull to writing for a very long time. Not to mention the fact that I feel so much better after I have written, whether I've posted or not. Just to know that I did it makes me feel so good! You can't ignore a feeling like that or dismiss it as being anything but God guiding you to follow his path.

I have no idea where starting this blog will take me, but I'm excited to see how it all unfolds. And I truly appreciate all those that I have told and have retained their laughter! Seriously, your encouragement has made this so much more enjoyable and I am forever grateful!

Dear God, thank you for giving me this passion and for guiding me to pursue it. Help me to always remember that as long as I'm following Your plans, I will not fail. Amen

These Thoughts In My Head

I am two weeks away from making a change in my life. I am cutting down from 40 hours a week to 30 hours a week and am starting to get nervous. I'm nervous about it working out financially, even though I've gone over the numbers a million times and know that we will be ok. I'm nervous about being able to fill the time with my family and have it be an enjoyable experience. I'm just nervous.

I remind myself of why I, with my husband's support, decided that now was the time to make this change. I was changing and not in a good way. I felt I was constantly ten steps behind on everything from housework to making time for my family and time for myself. I was beginning to resent my job for taking time away from my family but then resenting my family for not wanting to take the time to be with me. I was (am) exhausted with everything. I felt like I had no energy to do simple tasks.

So why do I feel so nervous if this is the right move for us? Because it's now a reality. In two weeks I will make the change I've been thinking about for over six months now. Like with a lot of things in my life, I just feel unprepared for it. We don't have as much saved up as I had hoped with a surprise car repair, Oliver's surgery bill and BJ's medical bills starting to pile in. I can't use money as an excuse though because no matter when we would agree to do this there is always that thought of having something to pay off or something to get and the moment would never come. 

I'm also nervous that I'm putting too much pressure on myself to now be a perfect mom and have schedules and programs to keep the kids busy. Yes, we need those to some extent but I need to realize my working less will not make my kids behave better. If anything, they will probably act out a little more. I have a few activities planned for them but I really just want to take time to relax with them. If I feel like I have to constantly be amazing them, then I'll be just as exhausted as I am now. I don't want that and they don't deserve a zombie mom.

Then there's the reality that I will need to be a better housekeeper. Now that I will have four days a week at home, I should be able to do a little bit of laundry and cleaning without it being an overload. I used to be so organized and scheduled and I hope to get back to that. 

I really do think God has provided this opportunity for me so that I can focus on what I truly enjoy. The hesitation, the nerves, I feel like the devil is trying to tell me I'm not good enough to do this. That I need to stay exhausted and miserable to get through this life. I'm not going to listen to that. God has given me the tools I need to make this work. I just need to remember that He's on my side and we will make this work. So take a deep breath and enjoy!

Dear God, thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend more time with my family. Help guide us to be content and to live within our means. Help me to remember to enjoy these moments and not get caught up in what I didn't do or couldn't do. Amen

Rough Patch on Repeat

Marriage is not easy. Whoever enters into a marriage needs to realize this. It is not perfect. It is not happily ever after. But it is a commitment. A LIFELONG commitment. The ups are great, the downs suck but seem to happen more frequently and are harder to get out of.

The last few days have seemed like a long funk for us. I can't tell you exactly when it happened but everyday has been like walking on egg shells. I don't want to say anything or do anything to make the situation harder and I always fail at that. The kids get under our skin, something in the house breaks, I asked a question about plans he initiated that now I'm supposed to handle. The list goes on and that was just today.

Now, not all this is on him. I make plenty of errors on my part. I get mad at him for the wrong reasons. I break things (like the garbage disposal) and get defensive about it even though I know that if he broke something I would be thinking the exact same thing and getting mad at him. I yell at the kids when he's trying to be better at it, he yells at the kids when I'm trying to be better at it. Nora cries....Oliver whines.....Brynn doesn't listen.....It was a long day at work.....There's a surprise bill that came in the mail. The list goes on and on for extra tensions.

There's no easy fix for these tensions. The only real fix is to talk about them. Together. Try to forgive, try to problem solve, try to remember that we do love each other and want to be a team. Our own selfishness can get in the way of creating that solid team front. There are times I try things not with the intention of being selfish but with the intention of saving him the trouble of worrying about it.

Solutions in marriage are never a one-time deal either. Similar problems come up down the road that you have to have to hard conversations again. The kids go through a rough patch. Careers go through a rough patch. That's another thing I tend to forget as well as BJ. We fix one problem and we expect that problem to never come up again and when it does, we both get frustrated and annoyed forgetting completely how we solved it the last time.

I am no better. I need to remember that. I need to remember that we are a team as husband/wife, as mother/father, in all we do from career to home. That is what makes a marriage strong, makes a marriage last.

Dear God, Thank you for bringing BJ into my life. Help us to work together and not hold a grudge or become defensive towards each other. Amen.

Forgiving, Not Forgetting, the Past

The past....why do I let it haunt me? My past isn't even that terrible! So I made a poor career choice. So I didn't save my money like I should have. Everybody has their "coulda, woulda, shoulda" moment. So why do I let it bring me down?

I seriously thought about making a career change two years ago. I looked into going to UNK for teaching to eventually become a guidance counselor. The more I thought of paying for ANOTHER college loan and having to save for our children's college, the more I realized this was not going to work. I talked to BJ about it and we came to the realization that if I were to do this, there's no way we could have another baby like we had wanted. Low and behold, we found out we were pregnant with Nora shortly after. So God gave us a curve ball!

I've been working hard these last few months trying to get our finances on track to give us a better future and better present. It has been anything but easy, it's been a life-style change for both BJ and I, but I feel like we are getting closer and are becoming more aware of how we manage our money.

I really hope I continue to learn from the past rather than try to ignore it ever happened. I want my kids to not make certain mistakes that I did. There is so much I hope for the future. The best strategy is to take it one day at a time for now until I'm in a place where I can focus more on the future. Right now, I really feel like I need to fix the present.

Dear God, give me contentment and knowledge to not give into the temptations of this world but to realize what we are in need of now to help make a better future. Amen

Fighting Temptation

Today was a temptation day. From the moment I picked up the kids, I knew it was going to be a struggle tonight. Not to mention I've been up since 1am and BJ has golf tonight. I heavily prayed that I could keep my cool but, man, it was tough.

Oliver was in time out when I picked him up for wrestling with his friends. He started crying when I asked him to apologize, I kept my cool and eventually he did. He never told me why it was so hard to apologize.

We don't even get to the car and he and Brynn are fighting. Once again, I try and keep my cool and get them to talk to each other but it gets us nowhere. At least I tried.

We get home and I have them play outside and try to soothe a cranky Nora that only wants to be held. Looking outside, I see them playing in the bucket of water to clean their toys that BJ repeatedly told them not to do. I again, keep my cool but not as tightly because there was yelling involved. Then I get the bright idea to take them for a bike ride. Nora enjoys the walk and the kids are getting better at controlling their bikes.

I repeatedly tell Oliver not to go too far in front of us. I repeatedly tell him to look both ways before crossing the street. I REPEATEDLY tell him and tell him and tell him!!! Brynn is playing her damsel-in-distress acting like she can't pedal, Nora's crying because we are stopped, and Oliver is swaying in the streets while cars are coming. I thought I was going to lose it!

I kept thinking to myself, "How will I get this through his head that he needs to be careful"? They say repetition gets into the heads of kids but obviously my repetition was having no effect on him so far.

We finally made it through that chaos and it was supper time. Which, to my surprise, they actually did really well with. Nora on the other hand wasn't having any of it. She didn't want noodles, she didn't want chicken, she didn't want her sippy cup (what's new?). She wanted potatoes, but no more than two potatoes! She has gotten so finicky lately with food that I don't know how I'm going to keep her full!

Finally, she (or I) had had enough and it was bed time. Just past 6pm and I was putting that girl to bed. Normally, she goes to bed between 7:30 and 8 but tonight it wasn't going to happen. The poor girl has such a bad diaper rash right now and I don't know what it could be from but you can tell it's making her uncomfortable. I'm debating on switching her from whole milk to soy. What gets me is that she's had whole milk for a few weeks now and hasn't shown any signs of discomfort with it until recently. Was it too much to soon?

I have all three in bed. Not asleep, but at least in bed. And just as I say this, little miss Nora is awake....

Dear God, grant me peace of mind to fight temptations and keep my cool with the kids. In reality, if I freak out, they freak out. Amen

Mom Brain

Lately, I have been having a really hard time with memory. I keep contributing it to "mom brain" but when is it something more? Here are just a few examples of what I've been dealing with:

1. I tell the same story to the same person more than once in the same week.
2. I can't remember what I thought and what I said so I'm afraid to repeat it but still really want to know the answer.
3. I walk into a room fully knowing what I'm going there for and in an instance, gone!
4. Same with my writing. I feel like I have a great idea then I go to the computer and, gone!

Maybe it's also because I've had some other things on my mind lately that have taken over any other logical thinking process. Maybe I'm so exhausted that it's altered my mental state. Maybe it's because I work with a lot of patients that have confusion and dementia that it's starting to take a toll on me!

I don't know exactly what it is but I pray to God that it settles down once I can begin my 3 days a week at work. I'm looking forward to decreased work exhaustion and more at-home time! Will it make a difference? I guess time will tell.

Dear God, help me to keep my sanity and function properly! Amen

Always Needing to Talk.....

I thought to myself today, why do I feel the need to share? Why do I feel like people need to know certain things going on? Is it a way for me to process things better? Is it a way for me to get a reaction? Is it to justify my reaction?

I honestly don't know...

In my head it always sounds so much better, too. It's all a story to me. Sometimes I give a little more drama to it to see if people respond differently. Or, I add in or take out pieces of information to make it more relevant. And I know others do this as well.

I remember being told a story more than 5 years ago about a woman that had named her baby "La-ah" and when no one could pronounce it correctly, she would fire back "it's La-dash-ah". I heard that exact same story just this last year. It's almost like an Urban Legend. Is it possible that this woman just happened to be at the same two clinics where the people I heard it from were? Were the people I heard it from visiting the same clinic at two different times? Who knows.

So why do we do this? It is to prevent the "I heard it from this person who heard it from this person" start to a story? Is it to make it more relevant to ourselves? To feel more of a connection to a story that's not even all that great but does certainly get a reaction? This story, in both situations, led to a conversation of how ridiculous some names are becoming. Did someone seriously name their child "La-ah" with honest intentions that people would get the pronunciation? Or maybe someone realized it was a real conversation starter and just wanted to break the ice.

Who knows why we do the things that we do. I really want to talk about my gossiping topic right now, but I will refrain. I'm trying to keep my gossip to a minimum.

Dear God, help me to keep my mind strong and my tongue silent. Amen

1 John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

God is asking us to talk to Him. To own up to our mistakes and find forgiveness and love in them. The more we search for His love and forgiveness, the closer we become to him and understand what it really means to love. To love others, to love ourselves. All we have to do, is talk.

I couldn't even tell you how many times I sin throughout the day. It's nothing that this world would condemn me for. Nothing I'd be thrown in jail for. Nothing earth shattering. But they are sins and I honestly don't think God has a hierarchy chart of sins. A sin is a sin and He is so amazing to forgive us and let us know that it's ok. I made a mistake, but it will be ok because I owned up to it and am forgiven.

When I am going through a tough time, I like to turn to my close friends to air it all out. To vent. That's what God wants. It's such an easy concept and yet so hard for me to do. I feel like I don't deserve to be forgiven that easily. That I don't deserve to be pure and righteous. I feel like I need to sit in a puddle of my sins and wallow there for awhile before I can feel better about myself. That's not needed. That is drama. Just give it up. Give it to God and move on with my life.

I will always be tempted by sin. It's just a given in this world. What I need to remember is that talking about my sins to God through prayer is a step forward, not a step back.

Dear God, help me to remember my sins, not to repeat them, but to learn from them and use them as a way to grow closer to You and to others. Amen

The Neverending Story

Life does not bring with it quick resolutions. Which, unfortunately, this blog might sound a bit redundant. This is something I've come to realize in the last few months. I'm always hoping a good day will continue into future days and I'll never have to worry about the issue again. Wishful thinking, right?

There are days when things are easier than others. When the budget works out nicely and balances out. When the kids have been good and I focus on having fun with them rather than lecturing, yelling, or mixing up my priorities. When BJ and I have good conversations and I feel secure with him. Not everyday works out that way. Most days not all of that happens in the same day.

I try to remind myself of a quote from "Sex and the City" that Charlotte tells the three other women after Samantha is going through a rough patch in her relationship. They ask each other when the last time they felt happy and Charlotte responds with, "Every day.....Not all day every day, but every day". There is a lot of good in my days and I get frustrated with myself that I focus on what has been the negative of the day.

Because everyday is a good day. Everyday is a great day as I said in my first post. BJ even pointed out that I walk a certain way when I let the negative get the better of me. Sometimes, actually most of the time, he's completely way off to what has made me do the "negative walk". It's no fault of his own. He's just not in my head to know what I'm thinking.

So through this journey, I am challenging myself to focus on the positive. Even on a particularly hard day, to always find the positive in one way or the other. Isn't that the way to live?

Dear God, help me to always find the positive and to not be anchored down by the negative which can be so easy to do anymore. Amen

Ouch! Re-cap

I wanted to write an update to my "Ouch!" post as it has been quite the week!

Day two and three were the WORST! I couldn't rub against my breasts. I couldn't hold Nora or hug the kids without being in pain. It was NOT fun! I started to worry about mastitis but thankfully that hasn't been an issue. The best I could think of to do was put ice packs on and use Ibuprofen which did help but not fully relieve.

That's what I get! My mom reminded me on day three that I could call my doctor for medicine to wipe out my milk but I like taking the suffering route! Like I said at Nora's birth before getting the epidural, "I need to feel this to know she is our last baby!".

Day four the pain started to subside but I still felt full. I kept talking myself into and finally out of nursing Nora to make it stop. I did not want to start this all over again! Day five until now (day eight) have shown major relief! I'm still tender but I can hold and cuddle Nora and hug the kids without pain. No more hard lumps, which I'm not going to lie, I did worry about breast cancer lumps. Being a worst-case-scenerio thinker and the fact I watch way too much t.v. did make me a little paranoid!

So over a week later and I can say that the milk is gone and my nursing days are over. It is still a sad moment for me knowing that we are officially done having children. Now I can focus more on all three of the kids rather than more exclusively Nora. I'm excited about the new-found freedom I will have and not having to schedule everything around pumping and feeding. Nora did try a little whole milk in a sippy cup yesterday and did really well with it! So far, no reactions. Big girl, here she comes!

Dear God, thank you for our crazy children! Help us to remember to be patient with them and enjoy them because they grow up way too fast! Amen.

Ouch!

Ouch! That's all I can say right now. Ouch!

I decided that today would be as good as any to just stop nursing Nora. Not a good idea! I honestly didn't think it would be this bad since I have only been nursing her in the morning and at bed time. But my goodness, this is ridiculous! Any shift, nudge, tap and I'm wincing in pain, trying not to scream.

This too, shall pass. Lord be with me!

I tried telling BJ it felt probably like the lingering effects of being kicked in the balls and he was quick to assure me that being kicked in the balls was by far worse. I still think this is pretty comparable! A million sharp needles stabbing into my chest. The feeling that one wrong hit would literally make my breasts pop like a water balloon.

I can feel my heart racing a little faster as my breasts continue to fill, hoping that I'll give in and pump or wake Nora up and let her nurse. She would undoubtedly choke on the rush of milk then not want anymore making me have to start all over again.

So why did I decide today? Well, first of all, with Nora's want to play rather than eat, she doesn't latch right and I have had sore blisters for the last month. She also just turned eleven months and we have at least a month's worth of milk still in the freezer. Most of all, I just wanted my freedom back. We have busy weekends coming up and I don't want to have to worry about hiding to feed Nora or scheduling around when she needs to eat or when I need to pump. I'm just at that point where I'm over it. I lasted longer with her than I did with Oliver and Brynn which makes me pretty proud!

There will be plenty of things I will miss, though. My favorite times were when she would fall asleep nursing taking slow, soft suckles, her little lips laying lazily on my breast. The most precious sight of my baby girl! Her little smile she would give me as I tickled her cheek. The way she would get excited, kicking her feet and waving her hands as I got her into position to nurse. They aren't lying when they talk about the bond breastfeeding can create between mother and child. It is a truly amazing gift that I took for granted at times.

Now our baby girl is growing and I can't wait to see what kind of "Blase Crazy" she'll become.

For now, I will suffer the consequences of my quick decision making and hope by morning I'm back to my flattened pancakes! It is disappointing that the time when my breasts are the largest neither I nor my husband can enjoy them!

Dear God, help me to get through this discomfort knowing that there are others suffering more than me. Amen.

Just Do It

Why do I find it so hard to sit down and write?

Seriously.

What else do I have to do? This evening I thought there was no way I would have time to write and yet, here I am. Writing.

It hasn't been without it's challenges. BJ has golf tonight and it's never smooth sailing when I am alone to get all three kiddos fed and ready for bed. Nice little rhyme action there! And once they are in bed, there's the supper clean up and toy clean up.

Then there's the shows I want to watch. It was so much nicer when I didn't watch TV.

All day long I tell myself, "write, write, write". Because I enjoy it and it really does make me feel better afterwards. I let myself get so distracted with things that don't matter that I completely ignore the voice in my head saying what I need to be doing.

I keep thinking of a quote I saw on Facebook. About meeting God in heaven and thanking Him for my blessings and Him telling me, "Think of what you could have done if you trusted Me more?".

I want to trust Him. I want to trust Him with my whole heart. I know He is guiding me to write and yet I continue to stall. Why? Because I'm afraid of failing? Because I'm afraid of what others will think? Why does it matter? If this is what I'm supposed to do, than it will work out. Remember that. And just do it!

Dear God, help me to trust in You with my whole heart. Help me to become the person You intended me to be. Amen.

Energy or Lack Thereof

Mondays. Ugh. Nothing can make a Monday seem exciting. Not until this summer at least when I will have Monday's off! But seriously, ugh!

To tell the truth, Tuesday is actually worse than Monday to me. You drag yourself out of bed on Monday morning after a too short weekend and you rev yourself up to get through the day. You make it through with a smile on your face get home and just want to crash. Only to realize tomorrow is only Tuesday. At least Wednesday you're halfway done and Thursday and Friday are a breeze to the weekend. Also, the thought of having to work this weekend at the hospital doesn't make my outlook any better.

I usually don't have all that much energy on Monday but this Monday is even worse as we had a busy weekend with two late nights in a row. Not something this 31 year old can handle as well anymore!  It was one of those mornings where you check each child's head for a fever thinking it's the only hope I have of getting to stay home today! When everyone wakes up perfectly healthy, I'm a little disappointed. Oh, well, get through the day.

This Monday was also the most disorganized I have every felt. For two weeks I was telling myself that Oliver had a doctor appointment on Tuesday and when I opened my planner at work this morning there it was. Marked in high lighter. Today was his appointment. Shit.

Luckily I was in the nursing home this morning and was able to re-arrange my schedule a little more easily than if I had been at the clinic. The downfall was that I would have to go back to the nursing home over my lunch hour. Ugh. But I then realized I could count both on my mileage! Gotta have that "yin-yang" to boost my spirits!

It all ended up working out but man, did it drain my energy! I knew that it wasn't going to be a night that I could get to bed early either. I was invited to a friend's jewelry show which I felt obligated to go to since it was her last one. Volleyball league is tonight, too. Sometimes it amazes me how I can get through a crazy day on low energy but I do it! I remember when we first had Oliver and he wasn't sleeping well through the night. Before having kids if I didn't sleep very well I would just call into work. But when you have kids, most nights aren't good sleeping nights! But you can't call in sick every time that happens. It's amazing how we can get through a day after a rough night. Probably not very pretty but dang it, I have to do it!

Then I look at my kids. If I had half their energy, I would be raring to go all day everyday. It just amazes me how crazy they can get! What I really don't like about the lack of energy is how I respond to their overwhelming energy. I get irritated. I get angry. Although I feel like I've gotten better at thinking before I start yelling. Today has been a good day with that. I've been able to control my responses better.  Even at Oliver's doctor appointment he started crying and whining that he didn't want to go and I was able to talk to him and calm him down rather than man-handle and yell which was a nice change. I'm not at all surprised anymore when he does respond that way to something he doesn't want to do. Once we got there he actually did do really well and went through his exam like a champ! I was a little more worried when I saw them bring in a gown for him. The last time I asked him to change into a gown for the doctor it was not good. Lots of crying, lots of yelling. It was awful. But he put it on like a champ and was good to go!

This week is going to be a draining week just in that itself since he goes in for dental surgery on Thursday. The emotions I've been having with him going under anesthesia for the first time has been having an affect on my energy. Not to mention this time of the month (no, not my period) is always my most stressful because it's two weeks until payday and already we need to find extra cash. It's not as bad as it has been in the past but there's still a whole week left. I hate this feeling. There's always something.

I have to remind myself that it's only as bad as I make it. It's easy to focus on the negative but usually you can find the positive not far behind it. Focus on that and it won't seem so bad.

Dear God, Help me find the energy to get through the stresses of everyday life and to remember my blessings over my burdens. Help me to trust in you and give my worries to you. Amen.

Honesty

It's so hard to be honest sometimes. Honest with friends, honest with family, honest with stangers, honest with myself. Why is that? Do I not like the sound of honesty? Does my life or my experiences sound absolutely boring? Yeah, it probably is boring to others. But it's me and I want to be more honest about my life.

Does this mean I have to reveal every single detail? Absolutely not! There is honesty and then there is full disclosure. People don't need to know everything and yet I feel that yes they do. Maybe even more as I try to make ordinary stories more enjoyable for the audience. I need to learn to keep the details to myself and not over-indulge in information, or at least be more picky about my audience.

Obviously, I will tell my close friends more details than I need to tell someone I end up standing in line with. Sometimes I just get caught up in what others are sharing that I think, "Yes! I have an experience like that and it might even top theirs!". Why? What's the point? So they can go to their friends and say, "Hey, I know someone who's even more messed up than me!"? That's not what I want for my life. Unfortunately, I've had a couple experiences where I over-indulged and wanted to take it back so bad but the people I shared with are already holding it against me. In harmless fun, but still, it's out there.

The thing is, I have no reason to get annoyed with them. It's my fault I have no filter at times. But things are out there that need not to be and I'm the one that brought it to light! Ugh. Life.

The point of this entry is to remind myself that I want to be honest with this project. Knowing that it won't always be pretty or always be fun, I need to be honest. That's the only way this can be mine and mine alone.

God, give me the virtue of honesty while being mindful of the details that need or need not be shared. Amen.

“Every day is a great day”

“Every day is a great day.”

This is what one of my nursing home patients told me this morning. “Every day is a great day". Immediately after she said this, I felt so much joy for this day. Because not every day is a great day to most. To me. And honestly, the day didn’t really continue to be great. But every time I felt like I was loosing my grip on the greatness of today, I remembered her quote and tried like hell to hang on to it.

You see, this patient does not have it easy right now. If I were her, I would be thinking that the last few days and the next few days would not be great. She is in the nursing home w/ a broken hip. Perfectly with it, witty gal, and she is stuck in the nursing home where no one really wants to be. Her husband is having surgery in a couple days and will also be in the nursing home. And she has enough faith, enough confidence in her time on this planet to know that every day is a great day.

I was able to hang on to that quote for the majority of the day. Even when I went to a home health and the overwhelming smell of stale smoke and fried food engulfed me, I continued to think that today is a great day. This woman also needed my help to improve her physical condition to get stronger and hopefully not end up in the nursing home. So I held my breath and only lightly breathed in when needed and made it through. She was a very sweet woman also which helped tolerate the smell!

I took lunch to my husband and had some time w/ him knowing he would be gone until late tonight. I stopped at the lunch table to tell my son hello and he absolutely melted my heart. He saw me and cried, “MOMMY!” and gave me a hug. A little boy across from him asked if I was his mom and responded very excited and proud, “Yep, that’s my mom!” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I walked away thinking that those moments are so numbered knowing that it won’t be long before he’s embarrassed of me and refuses to show any affection to me or my husband in front of his friends. I felt like I had finally reached a milestone in our budget. It was a great day.

I held on to “every day is a great day” as I went to pick up my kids. And then the great day gets not so great..…..

I grabbed my son’s backpack and coat to find a note on his cubby. He did not have a great day, a great morning at least. Running w/ scissors, hitting his friends, even “squeezing” his friends. We have been working so hard getting him to keep his hands to himself and to follow instructions. I don’t know if it’s his age, he’s five, or if he really has an issue. We had a discussion when I found him among the chaos that is daycare. We got home and my husband had a discussion w/ him that led to some quiet time in his room. He missed out on video time. And each time we brought up his behavior, he cried. Now I’m not 100% sure he cries for sympathy or that he really honestly feels bad about what he did or that he just really wants to watch his video. I hope it’s because he feels bad but more than likely he’s probably more upset he misses out on tv time. Either way, you hope it’s lesson learned.

Not so fast. An hour after this consequence, he begins throwing toys. After instructions not to throw toys and he continues to throw his toys, the great day I had been able to focus on has now turned into what I call “mommy rage”. All of a sudden I cannot control the volume of my voice and my previously calm feeling is now frustration, anger, exhaustion and I am taking it out on my children. I despise “mommy rage”. Never do I feel more of a failure parent than when I can’t control how I talk to them and put my emotions on them rather than remain calm and stern. Each day I say I will be better with this and each day I feel like I fail. Some days are better than others but there is always a time when I lose it.

All I can do is continue to pray each day and realize that these kids are kids. They are going to act out, they are going to break the rules. What shapes them is how my husband and I respond to their outbursts. When we figure it out, I’ll let you know!

Until then, pray on my friends and remember that every day is a great day.