I love my family. We would do anything for each other. But there are times when one of us truly puts our passions to use, there tends to be a bit of doubt, a bit of resistance, among the others. I've been guilty of this and have felt it bite me in the butt. I should know better. Especially where I have personally felt it before as well.
When one of my older sisters told us she was going to do body competitions, I thought she was crazy. Why on earth would she want to parade around and have others judge her over how she looks? Then she went out and placed in every competition she was in! I was not nice about it in the beginning and I regret that so much because she is such an amazing woman and instead of praising her passions, I ridiculed them. Shame on me.
Now it's come back to haunt me. I've said before how I did not intend on being on the career path I am today. Still, I think of that often, but there's not much I can actively do about it now. My dream career was brushed aside because I had others in my family tell me it wouldn't work. "Why would you want to do that?" was the response I would get and I didn't have an answer. To say that I felt "called" to do something was hard for me to admit. It sounded silly to me and I knew members of my family would feel I was being silly and not thinking logically. So I shut up and I did what brought acceptance. Stupid on my part.
Well now, I am pursuing a passion of mine and am still getting grief from family. I am still hearing the "Why would you want to do that?" expression. And I still don't have an answer. At least not that would bring about acceptance. I love to write. I love to read. I brought my two loves together and started my "52 Weeks, 52 Books" blog. I've gotten a lot of compliments on it but it still bugs me that the one person I am so desperate to accept my passion continues to give me the "Why would you want to do that?" line. More frustrating is that I'm consumed by it negatively. Immediately I thought to myself "Is this a stupid idea?" and "Maybe I shouldn't do this". Then my mood goes bad, my husband thinks I'm mad at him and all hell breaks loose!
I didn't even mention my other blog to them. No use getting shot down twice. I needed to maintain some sort of dignity in one day! And you can bet that I wasn't going to tell them the real reason I started this blog. As I've said in previous blogs, it's to practice my writing skills to finally do what has been a dream of mine since junior high. I want to publish a novel. Why haven't I completed this goal? Because in the back of my screwed-up head, I hear the phrase, "Why would you want to do that?" and I crap my pants and avoid the computer!
A part of me thinks that if I would just buckle down and do it, it could get published and I could finally say that I accomplished something that I have been dreaming about. It's not just a fear of failure. It's a fear of having the people that I know, that love me unconditionally, will think that I can't do it. It's hard to explain. I honestly don't even know if having it published, if it even would be, would be enough proof that I do have a gift. A love that I rarely let out because of what others will think of it. I need to get over that. This is the week!
Dear God, Keep the fire in my heart. Keep the voices out of my head. Lead me. Amen
