Why Writing?

What made me turn to writing?

I have always enjoyed writing. Whether it be journaling, speadsheets, lists, poems, stories, I have always had a love for it. I am an organized person and I feel like writing is the best way for me to maintain that. There's just something about getting everything out in front of me that helps me process, that helps me cope, that helps me solve whatever it is I'm going through. If I let it all stay in my mind and try to grasp at things, I get flustered and usually end up landing on my ass.

Through my writing, I feel like a weight has been lifted. Almost like when I pray to God, which I feel my writing is. I've never been a good speaker and I feel like I can make more sense of things when I write and feel like I can connect better when I'm writing. All of a sudden everything that had been bothering me is lifted. The situation may not be solved, but at least I feel like I've gained an edge. There have been many times after I write that I have more confidence in confronting something that has been bothering me. If BJ and I got into an argument, I go back and talk to him about it or apologize for it. I'll text or call someone I've been thinking about. I just have a new perspective and feel I can move forward.

I am also a "worst case scenerio" thinker and that's why I like to write stories. My biggest fear growing up was that I would drive off a bridge. Don't ask me why, it's just been my fear. So every time I drove over a bridge, which is a lot, I would often think of how terrible it would be if I drove off and fell into the river or creek or whatever was under that bridge. Then I'd start to think about what WOULD happen and here came the stories. Now I have never shared my stories and I don't know if I ever will but there are written or partially written.

Poems are just fun to write. They are hard, but worth it! They can take a lot of time and a lot of trial and error but I enjoy them. I wrote a poem for my dad for his 60th birthday with the help of my sisters and it was a lot of fun! Most of the time they are just silly but I have written a few serious ones, especially in my younger days.

Lists! There is nothing like writing on a piece of paper and crossing out as you go along. I love it! BJ makes fun of me that I still have a paper planner instead of putting everything on my phone, there is no joy in that! Same goes with reading books. I can't do Kindles or Nooks or whatever else is out there now for reading. I need paper. I need to be able to flip a page and, let me be honest, I need to read the last page. It's just my thing.

Like I said, I have been writing in a journal for a long time but typing in that area is much easier. My hands don't get as crampy and it's harder to get a hand-written journal out in the public. Although if you asked my husband, he would argue that it could go public but that's another story...

I honestly think that God has given me this passion (I don't know if I can call it a gift yet because I don't know how good I am) to reach out to others. I don't know how to to who but maybe. I can't ignore that feeling when I've felt a very strong pull to writing for a very long time. Not to mention the fact that I feel so much better after I have written, whether I've posted or not. Just to know that I did it makes me feel so good! You can't ignore a feeling like that or dismiss it as being anything but God guiding you to follow his path.

I have no idea where starting this blog will take me, but I'm excited to see how it all unfolds. And I truly appreciate all those that I have told and have retained their laughter! Seriously, your encouragement has made this so much more enjoyable and I am forever grateful!

Dear God, thank you for giving me this passion and for guiding me to pursue it. Help me to always remember that as long as I'm following Your plans, I will not fail. Amen

These Thoughts In My Head

I am two weeks away from making a change in my life. I am cutting down from 40 hours a week to 30 hours a week and am starting to get nervous. I'm nervous about it working out financially, even though I've gone over the numbers a million times and know that we will be ok. I'm nervous about being able to fill the time with my family and have it be an enjoyable experience. I'm just nervous.

I remind myself of why I, with my husband's support, decided that now was the time to make this change. I was changing and not in a good way. I felt I was constantly ten steps behind on everything from housework to making time for my family and time for myself. I was beginning to resent my job for taking time away from my family but then resenting my family for not wanting to take the time to be with me. I was (am) exhausted with everything. I felt like I had no energy to do simple tasks.

So why do I feel so nervous if this is the right move for us? Because it's now a reality. In two weeks I will make the change I've been thinking about for over six months now. Like with a lot of things in my life, I just feel unprepared for it. We don't have as much saved up as I had hoped with a surprise car repair, Oliver's surgery bill and BJ's medical bills starting to pile in. I can't use money as an excuse though because no matter when we would agree to do this there is always that thought of having something to pay off or something to get and the moment would never come. 

I'm also nervous that I'm putting too much pressure on myself to now be a perfect mom and have schedules and programs to keep the kids busy. Yes, we need those to some extent but I need to realize my working less will not make my kids behave better. If anything, they will probably act out a little more. I have a few activities planned for them but I really just want to take time to relax with them. If I feel like I have to constantly be amazing them, then I'll be just as exhausted as I am now. I don't want that and they don't deserve a zombie mom.

Then there's the reality that I will need to be a better housekeeper. Now that I will have four days a week at home, I should be able to do a little bit of laundry and cleaning without it being an overload. I used to be so organized and scheduled and I hope to get back to that. 

I really do think God has provided this opportunity for me so that I can focus on what I truly enjoy. The hesitation, the nerves, I feel like the devil is trying to tell me I'm not good enough to do this. That I need to stay exhausted and miserable to get through this life. I'm not going to listen to that. God has given me the tools I need to make this work. I just need to remember that He's on my side and we will make this work. So take a deep breath and enjoy!

Dear God, thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend more time with my family. Help guide us to be content and to live within our means. Help me to remember to enjoy these moments and not get caught up in what I didn't do or couldn't do. Amen

Rough Patch on Repeat

Marriage is not easy. Whoever enters into a marriage needs to realize this. It is not perfect. It is not happily ever after. But it is a commitment. A LIFELONG commitment. The ups are great, the downs suck but seem to happen more frequently and are harder to get out of.

The last few days have seemed like a long funk for us. I can't tell you exactly when it happened but everyday has been like walking on egg shells. I don't want to say anything or do anything to make the situation harder and I always fail at that. The kids get under our skin, something in the house breaks, I asked a question about plans he initiated that now I'm supposed to handle. The list goes on and that was just today.

Now, not all this is on him. I make plenty of errors on my part. I get mad at him for the wrong reasons. I break things (like the garbage disposal) and get defensive about it even though I know that if he broke something I would be thinking the exact same thing and getting mad at him. I yell at the kids when he's trying to be better at it, he yells at the kids when I'm trying to be better at it. Nora cries....Oliver whines.....Brynn doesn't listen.....It was a long day at work.....There's a surprise bill that came in the mail. The list goes on and on for extra tensions.

There's no easy fix for these tensions. The only real fix is to talk about them. Together. Try to forgive, try to problem solve, try to remember that we do love each other and want to be a team. Our own selfishness can get in the way of creating that solid team front. There are times I try things not with the intention of being selfish but with the intention of saving him the trouble of worrying about it.

Solutions in marriage are never a one-time deal either. Similar problems come up down the road that you have to have to hard conversations again. The kids go through a rough patch. Careers go through a rough patch. That's another thing I tend to forget as well as BJ. We fix one problem and we expect that problem to never come up again and when it does, we both get frustrated and annoyed forgetting completely how we solved it the last time.

I am no better. I need to remember that. I need to remember that we are a team as husband/wife, as mother/father, in all we do from career to home. That is what makes a marriage strong, makes a marriage last.

Dear God, Thank you for bringing BJ into my life. Help us to work together and not hold a grudge or become defensive towards each other. Amen.

Forgiving, Not Forgetting, the Past

The past....why do I let it haunt me? My past isn't even that terrible! So I made a poor career choice. So I didn't save my money like I should have. Everybody has their "coulda, woulda, shoulda" moment. So why do I let it bring me down?

I seriously thought about making a career change two years ago. I looked into going to UNK for teaching to eventually become a guidance counselor. The more I thought of paying for ANOTHER college loan and having to save for our children's college, the more I realized this was not going to work. I talked to BJ about it and we came to the realization that if I were to do this, there's no way we could have another baby like we had wanted. Low and behold, we found out we were pregnant with Nora shortly after. So God gave us a curve ball!

I've been working hard these last few months trying to get our finances on track to give us a better future and better present. It has been anything but easy, it's been a life-style change for both BJ and I, but I feel like we are getting closer and are becoming more aware of how we manage our money.

I really hope I continue to learn from the past rather than try to ignore it ever happened. I want my kids to not make certain mistakes that I did. There is so much I hope for the future. The best strategy is to take it one day at a time for now until I'm in a place where I can focus more on the future. Right now, I really feel like I need to fix the present.

Dear God, give me contentment and knowledge to not give into the temptations of this world but to realize what we are in need of now to help make a better future. Amen

Fighting Temptation

Today was a temptation day. From the moment I picked up the kids, I knew it was going to be a struggle tonight. Not to mention I've been up since 1am and BJ has golf tonight. I heavily prayed that I could keep my cool but, man, it was tough.

Oliver was in time out when I picked him up for wrestling with his friends. He started crying when I asked him to apologize, I kept my cool and eventually he did. He never told me why it was so hard to apologize.

We don't even get to the car and he and Brynn are fighting. Once again, I try and keep my cool and get them to talk to each other but it gets us nowhere. At least I tried.

We get home and I have them play outside and try to soothe a cranky Nora that only wants to be held. Looking outside, I see them playing in the bucket of water to clean their toys that BJ repeatedly told them not to do. I again, keep my cool but not as tightly because there was yelling involved. Then I get the bright idea to take them for a bike ride. Nora enjoys the walk and the kids are getting better at controlling their bikes.

I repeatedly tell Oliver not to go too far in front of us. I repeatedly tell him to look both ways before crossing the street. I REPEATEDLY tell him and tell him and tell him!!! Brynn is playing her damsel-in-distress acting like she can't pedal, Nora's crying because we are stopped, and Oliver is swaying in the streets while cars are coming. I thought I was going to lose it!

I kept thinking to myself, "How will I get this through his head that he needs to be careful"? They say repetition gets into the heads of kids but obviously my repetition was having no effect on him so far.

We finally made it through that chaos and it was supper time. Which, to my surprise, they actually did really well with. Nora on the other hand wasn't having any of it. She didn't want noodles, she didn't want chicken, she didn't want her sippy cup (what's new?). She wanted potatoes, but no more than two potatoes! She has gotten so finicky lately with food that I don't know how I'm going to keep her full!

Finally, she (or I) had had enough and it was bed time. Just past 6pm and I was putting that girl to bed. Normally, she goes to bed between 7:30 and 8 but tonight it wasn't going to happen. The poor girl has such a bad diaper rash right now and I don't know what it could be from but you can tell it's making her uncomfortable. I'm debating on switching her from whole milk to soy. What gets me is that she's had whole milk for a few weeks now and hasn't shown any signs of discomfort with it until recently. Was it too much to soon?

I have all three in bed. Not asleep, but at least in bed. And just as I say this, little miss Nora is awake....

Dear God, grant me peace of mind to fight temptations and keep my cool with the kids. In reality, if I freak out, they freak out. Amen

Mom Brain

Lately, I have been having a really hard time with memory. I keep contributing it to "mom brain" but when is it something more? Here are just a few examples of what I've been dealing with:

1. I tell the same story to the same person more than once in the same week.
2. I can't remember what I thought and what I said so I'm afraid to repeat it but still really want to know the answer.
3. I walk into a room fully knowing what I'm going there for and in an instance, gone!
4. Same with my writing. I feel like I have a great idea then I go to the computer and, gone!

Maybe it's also because I've had some other things on my mind lately that have taken over any other logical thinking process. Maybe I'm so exhausted that it's altered my mental state. Maybe it's because I work with a lot of patients that have confusion and dementia that it's starting to take a toll on me!

I don't know exactly what it is but I pray to God that it settles down once I can begin my 3 days a week at work. I'm looking forward to decreased work exhaustion and more at-home time! Will it make a difference? I guess time will tell.

Dear God, help me to keep my sanity and function properly! Amen

Always Needing to Talk.....

I thought to myself today, why do I feel the need to share? Why do I feel like people need to know certain things going on? Is it a way for me to process things better? Is it a way for me to get a reaction? Is it to justify my reaction?

I honestly don't know...

In my head it always sounds so much better, too. It's all a story to me. Sometimes I give a little more drama to it to see if people respond differently. Or, I add in or take out pieces of information to make it more relevant. And I know others do this as well.

I remember being told a story more than 5 years ago about a woman that had named her baby "La-ah" and when no one could pronounce it correctly, she would fire back "it's La-dash-ah". I heard that exact same story just this last year. It's almost like an Urban Legend. Is it possible that this woman just happened to be at the same two clinics where the people I heard it from were? Were the people I heard it from visiting the same clinic at two different times? Who knows.

So why do we do this? It is to prevent the "I heard it from this person who heard it from this person" start to a story? Is it to make it more relevant to ourselves? To feel more of a connection to a story that's not even all that great but does certainly get a reaction? This story, in both situations, led to a conversation of how ridiculous some names are becoming. Did someone seriously name their child "La-ah" with honest intentions that people would get the pronunciation? Or maybe someone realized it was a real conversation starter and just wanted to break the ice.

Who knows why we do the things that we do. I really want to talk about my gossiping topic right now, but I will refrain. I'm trying to keep my gossip to a minimum.

Dear God, help me to keep my mind strong and my tongue silent. Amen

1 John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

God is asking us to talk to Him. To own up to our mistakes and find forgiveness and love in them. The more we search for His love and forgiveness, the closer we become to him and understand what it really means to love. To love others, to love ourselves. All we have to do, is talk.

I couldn't even tell you how many times I sin throughout the day. It's nothing that this world would condemn me for. Nothing I'd be thrown in jail for. Nothing earth shattering. But they are sins and I honestly don't think God has a hierarchy chart of sins. A sin is a sin and He is so amazing to forgive us and let us know that it's ok. I made a mistake, but it will be ok because I owned up to it and am forgiven.

When I am going through a tough time, I like to turn to my close friends to air it all out. To vent. That's what God wants. It's such an easy concept and yet so hard for me to do. I feel like I don't deserve to be forgiven that easily. That I don't deserve to be pure and righteous. I feel like I need to sit in a puddle of my sins and wallow there for awhile before I can feel better about myself. That's not needed. That is drama. Just give it up. Give it to God and move on with my life.

I will always be tempted by sin. It's just a given in this world. What I need to remember is that talking about my sins to God through prayer is a step forward, not a step back.

Dear God, help me to remember my sins, not to repeat them, but to learn from them and use them as a way to grow closer to You and to others. Amen

The Neverending Story

Life does not bring with it quick resolutions. Which, unfortunately, this blog might sound a bit redundant. This is something I've come to realize in the last few months. I'm always hoping a good day will continue into future days and I'll never have to worry about the issue again. Wishful thinking, right?

There are days when things are easier than others. When the budget works out nicely and balances out. When the kids have been good and I focus on having fun with them rather than lecturing, yelling, or mixing up my priorities. When BJ and I have good conversations and I feel secure with him. Not everyday works out that way. Most days not all of that happens in the same day.

I try to remind myself of a quote from "Sex and the City" that Charlotte tells the three other women after Samantha is going through a rough patch in her relationship. They ask each other when the last time they felt happy and Charlotte responds with, "Every day.....Not all day every day, but every day". There is a lot of good in my days and I get frustrated with myself that I focus on what has been the negative of the day.

Because everyday is a good day. Everyday is a great day as I said in my first post. BJ even pointed out that I walk a certain way when I let the negative get the better of me. Sometimes, actually most of the time, he's completely way off to what has made me do the "negative walk". It's no fault of his own. He's just not in my head to know what I'm thinking.

So through this journey, I am challenging myself to focus on the positive. Even on a particularly hard day, to always find the positive in one way or the other. Isn't that the way to live?

Dear God, help me to always find the positive and to not be anchored down by the negative which can be so easy to do anymore. Amen