These Thoughts In My Head

I am two weeks away from making a change in my life. I am cutting down from 40 hours a week to 30 hours a week and am starting to get nervous. I'm nervous about it working out financially, even though I've gone over the numbers a million times and know that we will be ok. I'm nervous about being able to fill the time with my family and have it be an enjoyable experience. I'm just nervous.

I remind myself of why I, with my husband's support, decided that now was the time to make this change. I was changing and not in a good way. I felt I was constantly ten steps behind on everything from housework to making time for my family and time for myself. I was beginning to resent my job for taking time away from my family but then resenting my family for not wanting to take the time to be with me. I was (am) exhausted with everything. I felt like I had no energy to do simple tasks.

So why do I feel so nervous if this is the right move for us? Because it's now a reality. In two weeks I will make the change I've been thinking about for over six months now. Like with a lot of things in my life, I just feel unprepared for it. We don't have as much saved up as I had hoped with a surprise car repair, Oliver's surgery bill and BJ's medical bills starting to pile in. I can't use money as an excuse though because no matter when we would agree to do this there is always that thought of having something to pay off or something to get and the moment would never come. 

I'm also nervous that I'm putting too much pressure on myself to now be a perfect mom and have schedules and programs to keep the kids busy. Yes, we need those to some extent but I need to realize my working less will not make my kids behave better. If anything, they will probably act out a little more. I have a few activities planned for them but I really just want to take time to relax with them. If I feel like I have to constantly be amazing them, then I'll be just as exhausted as I am now. I don't want that and they don't deserve a zombie mom.

Then there's the reality that I will need to be a better housekeeper. Now that I will have four days a week at home, I should be able to do a little bit of laundry and cleaning without it being an overload. I used to be so organized and scheduled and I hope to get back to that. 

I really do think God has provided this opportunity for me so that I can focus on what I truly enjoy. The hesitation, the nerves, I feel like the devil is trying to tell me I'm not good enough to do this. That I need to stay exhausted and miserable to get through this life. I'm not going to listen to that. God has given me the tools I need to make this work. I just need to remember that He's on my side and we will make this work. So take a deep breath and enjoy!

Dear God, thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend more time with my family. Help guide us to be content and to live within our means. Help me to remember to enjoy these moments and not get caught up in what I didn't do or couldn't do. Amen