"Ole Yeller"

I'm a yeller. No, I'm not proud of it, it's just the way I am. I've tried to change my ways more than I can count to no avail. Maybe someday I'll figure it out. The trick is to find the triggers, control the emotions. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to control emotions when all you want to do is yell? When everything is coming at you at 100mph and there's no time to sit and sort it all out then what happens? Yelling. That's what happens.

I often wonder where I inherited this trait from. I can't remember my parents really yelling at me but they do admit to losing their cool every now and then. With six girls I can understand why. Is it because I grew up feeling like I had to be a perfectionist and everytime something went wrong my response was always defensive and angry? I would try and come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't get daily routines perfected and when I ran out of excuses, I beat myself down and had a horrible attitude.

I always hoped I wouldn't be a yeller when it came to my kids. Sometimes I yell without even realizing I'm yelling. The worst is the guilt that comes immediately after. I know I could have controlled myself. Quite remarkably, I feel like I have been much better with the yelling lately. But tonight it creeped back up again. And I feel horrible about it. There are times that I feel like the kids are fishing for it. Especially little miss Brynn. As I tell many people, she is our little drama queen. I feel like she can't process anything unless she's crying. Not annoying at all.....

And Oliver. He responds with wild screams and body convulsions when he's being disciplined. I know that this probably wasn't the best way to handle a "time out" situation but I had to try a few different times to actually get to what I felt the discipline should be. First I just told him to go to his room. Which he did but then I realized that he needed a reason for going to his room. He had been wrestling in the living room with his sister and she hit her head. So I went back into the room to tell him he needed to sit in time out and think about how he should be treating others which completely went in one ear and out the other because when I asked him to repeat why he was in time out he fell back on the old faithful "I wasn't listening". So he sat quietly and I went back in a few minutes later after a shorter than usual tantrum was thrown and again said that if he was able to tell me why he had to be in time out I would allow him to go back and play. Surprisingly, he recalled what I had said about playing with others. A good "aha" moment for me and hardly any yelling.

As we proceed throughout the nightly routine, we get the usual Nora throwing her food and cup on the floor, Oliver procrastinating and complaining about having to eat what I made, and Brynn shovelling food in her mouth like she won't ever eat again. Where Brynn procrastinates is in the bathroom when it's time to brush her teeth. She will sit there and stare for what seems like ever and take slow spits after I've started her timer so she doesn't have to brush as long. Frustrating! Then for night time prayers, Oliver and I start together, even after I ask if Brynn is also ready, knowing the whole time she's quiet that as soon as we are done she's going to cry that she didn't get to say her prayers. And this is EXACTLY what happened. In my low patience level for the day, I decide that enough is enough. Even though the last thing I should get angry about is prayer time, it's the fact that she takes joy in manipulating situations. Manipulating might be a strong word for what she does but it's how I see it because she gets to play the damsel in distress card and get attention. I was not going to have it and told her that if she was unable to say her prayers together then she would have to say them by herself which came with a normal crying response.

As I walked out of the room I hear Oliver tell Brynn that he will say their prayers with her. Made my heart melt and I felt so guilty. I could see the future now, they will conspire against me someday and I need to be ready for it! I need to be more attentive, less rushed. More quiet discipline, less yell. It's going to be a long journey...

Dear God, thank you for giving me the realization that I need to continue to better myself as a parent. That even if I screw up in one moment doesn't mean that I can't correct it in the same moment and come out feeling more calm and controlled. Help me to continue to discipline our children with love and not malice. Amen

Such a Hypocrite

I am a hypocrite. Shocker. To find someone that isn't a hypocrite in some way would be the real shocker.

As a Christian, I hear "hypocrite" a lot. And I get it. I preach love and can show hate. I preach kindness and begin to gossip. I preach acceptance and show discontent. I say it's not right to judge and I judge on a daily basis. I say often that all a person needs is to love and accept Jesus Christ as their savior, something so simple and black and white, but then add in all these complex grey areas.

I do these things not to be cruel but because the world, society, the flesh gets in the way. Everyday is a battle between good and evil, between God and my flesh. I often wonder how this started. How did I become so wrapped up in what the world thought of me or what my flesh felt I wanted? Thinking back, I don't think there was a pin-pointed time where I automatically switched. Maybe it's because my dad was always comparing himself to others.

My favorite quotes as I've said before "Don't judge others by the outside of their homes" from the Go Forth podcast. Then I heard today, "If you put your struggle into a jar with eight other people, you will ultimately take your struggle out of the jar because their's would seem worse". It's all about perspective and how well you hide your struggles. Is this a good thing, though? We should be expressing our struggles to invite others into our lives and find hope in that.

I feel like I get caught up in seeming like a burden to others and therefore I feel like I constantly need to hold my struggles in and put up a front of everything being perfect. News flash to myself, not everything is perfect all the time. There may be times where I feel like things have fallen into place but there's no guarantee of how long that will last. So why should I judge?

I think that people end up doing cruel things to others because they are unable to control the emotions of having to deal with their own struggles and take it out on others. They exploit others struggles to make theirs seem minimal which ultimately leads to hate and more problems. So begins the vicious cycle of our society. Having that opportunity to say "Well, at least I didn't do that" or "I'm definitely better off than that person" become a goal. That's why I would have moments of being obsessed with "Hoarders" or "Teen Mom" because I felt better about myself by judging the choices of others. Not a very Christian thing to do on a daily basis.

So how do I change this train of thought? Being diligent of thinking how Jesus Christ expects us to act and treat others is a start. To really sit and think of what others could be judging me for causes me to pause and reflect on my actions. I want to turn this on myself and reflect on what I would judge myself on if I was an outsider. What do I want my kids to see me as? How do I want them to see others? To see themselves? How to I begin to be and begin to show others what it truly means to be a follower of Jesus Christ?

Dear God, thank you for helping me push past my fear of being judged when I started this blog. Help me to continue it as a way to become closer to You and to others. Help me to reflect on my past actions to avoid those mistakes in the future. Amen