Human Heartache

Last week was a very dark week for me. I entered into it thinking I was going to be relaxed and calm, give myself a renewed energy to take on the world! Then my "worst case scenerio" thinking got the best of me and I was anything but relaxed, and calm, and renewed.

BJ and the kids were going to be out of town, leaving me at home by myself. My in-laws thought it'd be nice for me to have a quiet weekend before the chaos of basketball season began, which was very thoughtful and I accepted. When they were getting ready to leave on Friday afternoon, I had this disturbing feeling that I might not see them again. Like I was foreseeing some sort of horrible accident that would take them all from me in a flash. I thought of all the I-80 crashes that had occured this year alone, particularly the one of the family of five that died in a single accident.

It was disturbed thinking, I know, but I couldn't shake it. I counted down the timeline to when my husband would have dropped off the kids at my in-laws and waited for him to call. Not a word. I waited to calm down and texted my mother-in-law to make sure they had made it. She replied yes and we were able to Facetime before bed. BJ called me when he was at a truck stop just outside of Lincoln and all was good there. At least for the night, I could relax some.

On Sunday morning it was the same eerie feeling that I wasn't going to see them again. So I busied myself, waiting for BJ or the kids to call. At 10:30 my mother-in-law again texted me to say that my husband and the kids had just left for home. I sat impatiently for them to get home and when they pulled into the driveway, I was beyond relieved!

Embarrassingly enough, I was also a little annoyed. Annoyed with myself that I allowed myself to be so worried over them, unable to fully enjoy the quiet. I was annoyed that the first thing they did when they got in the house was start wrestling. Didn't they know the fear I had felt all weekend for their safety? Couldn't they have taken a minute to take in the calm that I so desperately wanted to feel? Then I realized how selfish I was being. These are my kids. This is how they act. They wrestle, they fight, they don't listen to a thing I tell them. I was the one who acted on my own anxieties rather than allow God to protect them. There was nothing I could control, even if something bad had happened. It was all my own doing.

Two days later, I did get some horrific news. A former co-worker, and very kind family, had lost their infant daughter. I still have not heard exactly what happened but it sounded like a case of SIDS. I became so heartbroken for her. To have to know that she would have to say good-bye to a child she had only begun to know. To go through the pain of no longer nursing. To go home to her clothes still in the laundry, her soiled diapers still in the trash and yet, she was gone. I felt so ill to hear the news.

Now, I've suffered a miscarriage and I know that barely brushes the surface of how you feel when you lose an infant child. The changes that come with a miscarriage are kept inward. There's no one mounring at a funeral. There's no deliverance to heaven that we can see. In no time, there's no evidence that the baby inside me even existed. It was too early to have any baby items laying around the house. I know that I hurt at that moment but I also know it was nothing compared to what this family had to go through.

At the rosary, I looked down the aise at the casket. This tiny casket that held such a tiny person. I couldn't bring myself to view her for a few reasons. My co-worker had left the company before she had the baby so I never got to meet her. Also, I couldn't bring myself to see what she would look like. In my head I saw a sleeping baby, I didn't want to see it any other way.

Through the week I realized I really wasn't sad that she was gone. We all go at some point in our lives. I was sad that her family had to say good-bye so quickly, with no warning. I had to remember that we don't control our lives, no matter how hard we try. We are not the ones in charge. God is. And God's will be done.

Dear God, I pray you give peace to those that have lost a child at any stage of life. Amen

Kids and Chores

BJ and I have been struggling to find a consistent approach to giving Oliver and Brynn more responsibilities. I really want them to understand the value of money and how to live within their means since that is something that BJ and I have both struggled with. Obviously, I don't expect them to fully grasp it now, but I thought if we could at least get them thinking about it now, they will have more questions and we can guide them through it.

I came up with the "post it" system that will hopefully work. I made a chart of six different chores written on post-its that they were able to pick themselves. They will be responsible for those chores the entire week and then switch. They then get a quarter for each chore they complete.

Yesterday, they were very agreeable to this and I'm hoping that they will continue that atitude. My problem is that I am going to expect it to be happy time but in reality I am going to face some resistence. I've already talked to BJ about needing his support in this because if I'm the only one requiring they complete their chores, it's not going to last. Which is what has happened so many other times I tried to enforce any sort of responsibilities on them. He was in agreement and I hope it continues.

Dear God, Allow us to be patient in this teaching moment for the kids. Help us to guide them and not expect perfection initially but expect growth and acceptance of responsibilities from the kids. Help me to remember I do not have to do everything just because I want it just so. Amen