Who Am I Trying to Impress?

I love my family. We would do anything for each other. But there are times when one of us truly puts our passions to use, there tends to be a bit of doubt, a bit of resistance, among the others. I've been guilty of this and have felt it bite me in the butt. I should know better. Especially where I have personally felt it before as well.

When one of my older sisters told us she was going to do body competitions, I thought she was crazy. Why on earth would she want to parade around and have others judge her over how she looks? Then she went out and placed in every competition she was in! I was not nice about it in the beginning and I regret that so much because she is such an amazing woman and instead of praising her passions, I ridiculed them. Shame on me.

Now it's come back to haunt me. I've said before how I did not intend on being on the career path I am today. Still, I think of that often, but there's not much I can actively do about it now. My dream career was brushed aside because I had others in my family tell me it wouldn't work. "Why would you want to do that?" was the response I would get and I didn't have an answer. To say that I felt "called" to do something was hard for me to admit. It sounded silly to me and I knew members of my family would feel I was being silly and not thinking logically. So I shut up and I did what brought acceptance. Stupid on my part.

Well now, I am pursuing a passion of mine and am still getting grief from family. I am still hearing the "Why would you want to do that?" expression. And I still don't have an answer. At least not that would bring about acceptance. I love to write. I love to read. I brought my two loves together and started my "52 Weeks, 52 Books" blog. I've gotten a lot of compliments on it but it still bugs me that the one person I am so desperate to accept my passion continues to give me the "Why would you want to do that?" line. More frustrating is that I'm consumed by it negatively. Immediately I thought to myself "Is this a stupid idea?" and "Maybe I shouldn't do this". Then my mood goes bad, my husband thinks I'm mad at him and all hell breaks loose!

I didn't even mention my other blog to them. No use getting shot down twice. I needed to maintain some sort of dignity in one day! And you can bet that I wasn't going to tell them the real reason I started this blog. As I've said in previous blogs, it's to practice my writing skills to finally do what has been a dream of mine since junior high. I want to publish a novel. Why haven't I completed this goal? Because in the back of my screwed-up head, I hear the phrase, "Why would you want to do that?" and I crap my pants and avoid the computer!

A part of me thinks that if I would just buckle down and do it, it could get published and I could finally say that I accomplished something that I have been dreaming about. It's not just a fear of failure. It's a fear of having the people that I know, that love me unconditionally, will think that I can't do it. It's hard to explain. I honestly don't even know if having it published, if it even would be, would be enough proof that I do have a gift. A love that I rarely let out because of what others will think of it. I need to get over that. This is the week!

Dear God, Keep the fire in my heart. Keep the voices out of my head. Lead me. Amen

Own It

How many times a day do I blame someone or something else for my misfortunes? Probably more than I'd like to admit. Just recently I started thinking about what it means to have an "own it" attitude. It's so easy for me to blame others or circumstances when I mess up and instead of truly fixing the problem, I choose to ignore it and hope it doesn't come along again. But, guess what, the problem always returns and I am always at a loss as to how it happened again. Ignorance isn't always bliss, people!

Blaming others is the coward's way out. It helps you refuse to become accountable to your own actions. For example, "I'm in a career I don't enjoy because my parents wouldn't let me choose the major I wanted". Not so much. My parents honestly wouldn't have cared what career choice I made if I enjoyed it. Instead, I kept with the major I initially had while at UNL and became a lesser version of it. Not that I don't enjoy my job, but I could see myself doing something more. My fault, not my parents.

Another example, "We never have enough money". Again it's easy for me to point the fingers at others rather than realize it is I that need to do a better job of managing. I can't recall the individual, I want to say Dave Ramsey, but a certain quote has stood out to me for awhile "It's not about how much you make, it's about how well you manage" and has helped me get our budget in track. I could blame my husband for spending money on items but in reality, it's my lack of communication that makes him think it's ok to do. I could blame my parents for not teaching me more about money management but it easily could have done nothing for me still. I could blame bills! Especially those surprise ones.

Yet anther example, "My children never behave". Well, maybe it's because I didn't make them a priority when we were together or didn't give them enough attention. When they do misbehave it's usually because I'm being selfish and forget their most basic needs of love and attention.

I really could go on and on unfortunately.

So here's what I've decided to do. I've decided to "own it". On every matter listed above as well as those that I didn't list. Whatever decision I make, I need to take a moment to reflect and think to myself, "Can I own this?". We'll see how this can change my perspective!

Dear God, thank you for all the blessings you have given us. Help me to own my decisions and to take time to communicate with my husband and others as well as make time for others and put my own selfish needs aside. Amen

Since When Did We All Become So Serious?

Seriously, when did we, as a nation, become so serious? You have to walk on egg-shells around anyone and everyone in fear of offending someone in the slightest. I understand it's no fun when your feelings get hurt, trust me, I've been there, but it has made us into such thin-skinned whiney brats that feel like the world is out to hurt us and only us.

I came to this realization this morning as I was getting Oliver dressed for school. It's Dr. Seuss week and each day they have a theme and today was "Crazy Day". They could wear crazy clothes, have crazy hair, etc. Oliver thought it would be funny to wear one of Brynn's tutu skirts. He paired it with a basketball shirt and his usual sweatpants that made me instantly think of Jim Carey from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. His hair was in a spiked mohawk and he definitely did look crazy!

Yet the fun of it all left me when I realized, I actually have to worried about him choosing to wear a skirt. How ridiculously frustrating! Here we are, thinking he's just being silly and we actually have to think that we might offend someone who is "confused" about whether or not they are a boy or a girl. It really irritates me that kids can't be silly without individuals turning it into such a serious, illogical, disturbance.

I think of high school pep rally's that I've seen or been a part of were girls are dressed as the guys or vice-versa. My husband in high school dressed as an old lady with a friend for homecoming. But here we are. In an age where everyone gets so sensitive that I actually have to think of my son's safety and reputation because he was just trying to make other kids laugh at the thought that he would wear his sister's skirt.

I'm actually surprised I didn't get a phone call saying I needed to bring him home to change because he was hurting another child's feelings. I honestly think that's the difference of small towns vs big cities. We can still be silly!

When Will It Be Easy?

I realize this is a stupid question because life is never easy. It should be more like, "When will we catch a break?" or "When will I finally feel content?". If I'm human in an American society, I will never feel content! It will always be "more, more, more" or "I want what she's having". I get so annoyed with myself.

Yet again, we find ourselves at the possiblity of change and with change comes instability for awhile where I'm continually looking at the future but can hardly stand to be in the present. I get anxious with too many "what-if's" and feel like everything I've been so close to grasping just gets pushed further and further away.

We are at the point in our lives where we will have quite a bit of debt paid off and then my husband decides he's going to apply for a job. A job that is in a different town. Far away. No chance for commuting. At a time where I finally see us being able to get projects started and savings building to the depressing thoughts of moving and selling a house and buying a house and change, change, change. I don't like change.

I find it funny that when I was a kid, I wanted to move from my hometown so badly! I hated Junior High and High School and I thought it would be so amazing to move to a completely different town and start fresh! Now, I dread the thought of ever moving again.

I keep telling myself that there's no use worrying about it now when so far all he's gotten is an interview. I need to quit worrying about the unknown and focus on the now. What can we do now?

Dear God, I give my worries to you. Amen

Simplicity of the Complex

Since we have begun classes to convert to Catholicism, my brain has been on system overload. In a good way. It's no lie that there is a lot to learn when it comes to the Catholic faith. Just when I feel like my head is going to burst, I realize what it truly means to be Catholic.

Forgiveness. Repentence. Love.

For seeming to have so many rules, the Catholic faith is actually very simple. If you screw up and commit a sin, you repent. You own up to your sin. You become accountable for your actions. The Catholic faith doesn't allow you to cover up your faults and short-comings. That is the amazing part of the faith. We all sin, therefore, no one should feel they are above the other. Whether you are in a different denomination, religion, social class, whatever, no one is above the other.

I realize that there are some Catholics that don't seem to uphold this, but there are people in every denomination, in every religion, in every social class that is guilty of this. Rather than assuming we are forgiven and can feel that weight lifted off our own shoulders, Catholics practice confession. They hold it as a sacrament for a reason. I haven't had the opportunity to go to confession yet, but I look forward to the experience and hope it is everything I have heard about.

The rules that church has are actually rules that make it easier to live our lives. They give us the forgiveness we seek and the love that we desire. It makes talking to God so much easier. I love talking to God in my own way but sometimes I have difficulty finding the words. The prayers of the Catholic faith help me. I understand God knows what's in my heart but I feel making every effort to become closer to Him is so worth it.

Dear God, Thank you for opening our eyes and leading us to the Catholic faith. Let us continue to do your will. Amen.

Dave Ramsey, Here We Come!

It's no secret that my husband and I are not the best financial planners. I am determined to turn that around but my biggest obstacle has been my husband's irritability with my frequent changes. I admit, I do change our system every few months or so but that's because I haven't found the one that really works for us. I would do a half debit card, half cash system. Or I'd do an allowance system. I'd do an obsess over our online account and just stay on top of my husband with how much we have left. Nothing seemed to click and maintain. We were always cut short by the end of the month and I'd end up having to rearrange or take out of savings making building a savings nearly impossible.

I came to the realization this past week that maybe I am just stretching ourselves too thin. I focus too much of the saving and not enough on the reality of what we need, thus causing us to come up short yet again. So I decided the best thing to do would be to switch to an all cash system, Dave Ramsey style. We have a few friends that have gone through it and they have reported a lot less stress with money and have begun paying off debt.

I brough this to BJ and not too surprised, he became annoyed with me. Then I became frustrated with him because he refuses to really sit down and talk to me or walk through this with me. His response is always "I'll do whatever you need me to do". Not exactly a statement of teamwork which is what we've been lacking in the budget department. I really feel that we can do this if we stick with it and work together. I need to do a better job of involving him or at least asking him to sit with me and go through all of the finances and if he says "No, thank you" it's on him.

I don't want this to divide us but to bring us closer together and work together towards goals. I really want us to get through this and actually live instead of constantly depriving ourselves of things that we enjoy. We can do this!

Dear God, give us guidance as we transition our budget (yet again). Help us to open communication and work as a team to accomplish our goals. Amen

Sick Kiddos....The Winter From Hell!

So far, January 2017 has seen the most sickness in our house. The realization that winter has barely begun and the weather is just going to get worse, probably causing more sickness is really gut wrenching. Most of the sickness has been contained to Nora, BJ and myself. Thankfully, Oliver and Brynn have shown immunity to it all!

To start the month, Nora came down with RSV. Respiratory Syncytial Virus, a virus that affects the respiratory tract, can cause problems with breathing in children under the age of 2 (webmd.com). The scary part of RSV is some children end up being hospitalized due to low oxygen saturation. Thankfully, we caught Nora's early enough that her O2 Sats were 98% and her wheezing was decreased with a steriod. Not the oral, mind you! She threw up the oral steroid twice before I finally took her back in to get the shot instead. So much easier to struggle once with the shot rather than waste all the oral steriod by her throwing up.

We went through the breathing treatments and she began sleeping better but was still coughing. After about ten days, the cough finally went away and she was able to return to daycare after a week of being diagnosed. I'm scared to even look at my PTO right now! I am lucky to work in an environment that understands these obstacles and we all do a good job of working together to help make sick days less stressful.

Following Nora's RSV, I came down with a horrible cold followed by BJ. For almost five days I was in bed by 6:30pm. The kids were so amazing during this time because they knew I wasn't feeling good and went to bed easily and quietly even though it was an hour and a half before their usual bedtime. BJ's didn't seem to last quite as long as mine but still just as miserable.

We finally had all the bugs out of the house and then the last two days Nora has been randomly throwing up 

:( We don't know what it's from or what triggers it. She threw up once on Tuesday right before supper but came right back and ate her supper with no trouble. She threw up again last night but after drinking some water, she was fine. I slept with her on the couch just to be sure she didn't throw up again which made it pretty uncomfortable and restless all through the night. We don't know if she ate something as she has had an obsession with the trash lately. Gross. Or if she really has the flu bug. No fever, no fatigue or decreased energy. Just random puking ralleys. 

I am so over disinfecting and spraying and having poor kiddos sick. I am so over winter...

Dear God, Help us get through this season of illness and keep Oliver and Brynn immune! Amen 

Motivated to be a DIY'er

Over the last hour and a half I have become more motivated to become a DIY'er. Why do you ask? What could possibly have happened to make me want to take on projects in my home? Money. We don't have a lot so whatever we have to take out, I feel a painful budget punch in the gut.

Before the plumbers even got started, they gave me a quote of the services I have asked them to do. Already at just under $500, as they work I am told that there will have to extra costs due to the unforeseen work they would have to do. And what can I say to them? No thanks, I want you to leave your work as is and we'll just dig a hole in the backyard? Plumbing work is like Pringles...Once you start, you can't stop!

Next comes the fun of rearranging finances to cover such a cost that is now just under $750. Nothing is worse than the realization that it's so much easier to spend money than it is to save money. Yikes! 

So I am now determined to complete our upstairs bathroom ourselves. I have YouTube, I have Pinterest, I have my dad. All of which could hopefully guide us through this process. It's going to be a Tortoise race where slow but steady wins the race.

Dear God, Give me guidance and will-power to remember things like this need to be done which makes it so much more important to get control of our finances. Amen

My Babies are Growing Up

As a mom, there are many times I look at the kids and just cannot believe how big they are. I realize that gets said a lot, but there is a reason for it! Because it's true! I used to be able to cling on to Nora's still small features and trick myself into thinking my babies are still babies.

Oliver has become so independent. He's dressing himself, getting his own food. The latest independent move has been learning to tie his shoes. It's amazes me how he catches on so quickly to things anymore. One day it seems like he'll never get it whether it be tying his shoes, reading, or riding his bike, and the next he's a pro! He is showing some of my perfectionist traits unfortunately. Hopefully he uses them to his advantage in the future and does a better job of following through with his intentions than I did.

Brynn is my little stylist. She always has to wear a skirt and have her hair done. She is my girly-girl! When I was younger, I loved it when my mom would rub my hair or brush it and now I love doing her's. She was given make-up for Christmas but I'm thinking she may be reacting to it because he face gets blotchy and her eyes get squinty! Poor girl! She is a little mommy and loves to help with Nora, at times a little too much.

Now my little Nora. The baby. I realized today that she will soon be out of diapers as we have started introducing the potty. The thought of never having to buy diapers again is both excitement and sadness. Diapers are the last step of baby-hood. We said good-bye to the bottle, good-bye to the mushed up food, good-bye to having to help her feed herself. Diapers are the end of our baby chapter.

We know we will be done with so many phases now that Nora is getting older and it is such a bittersweet feeling. I've come to the point where I am accepting this. We will have so many more fun memories in the years to come and watching them grow and learn will be awesome!

Dear God, Words can never express how truly gracious to You we are that you blessed us with these three little goof-balls! Help us to guide them and love them as You guide and love us. Amen.

Let the Reaction Begin

I decided, with much regret by my husband on my behalf, to tell my parents we were seriously considering coverting to catholicism when we were home for Christmas. I was ignorant enough to believe I had more pros than cons that it would be the best time to tell them which were:
1) It was Christmas, a time of love and acceptance.
2) It was the year of Mercy.
3) At the time, it was just myself and my parents.
4) It would ward off any questions after Christmas Eve service at our Lutheran church after not receiving communion.
5) It was me.

I always felt that mom and I had a different relationship. Than what? I can't pin-point, but different enough from her and my sisters that she would be more open towards our decision since it was coming from me. I guess I would describe is as a certain type of respect we seem to have towards each other. Obviousy, I may have over-estimated our relationship.

She still wouldn't tell me exactly why she felt this way towards the Catholic church, and that bothered me. I felt that she couldn't so strongly oppose my decision and urge me not to go through with it and then think that I didn't need a reason. To her, she flet like this was the ultimate sign of disrespect that I could have given her. I just really wish she could separate me from the individual that hurt her years ago. I wish she could separate the church from the individual that hurt her. The fact that she can't makes me think it was a priest that made the comments. I would think it would be harder to separate the church from the individual if the individual was someone who was leading the church.

I will give my mom credit, she remained her normal self throughout the rest of the weekend when my sisters started to arrive. She was not hostile, she was not quick tempered. She was her usual self and I'm glad she was. At Christmas Eve service, I asked her if she would prefer if I would receive communion and she said "yes". I was hoping the gesture would calm her down and show her that I'm still me and didn't plan on changing that just because I felt led to join the Catholic church.

As I began to think that maybe all she needed was some time to accept this, I heard the worst sentence a child could ever hear from their parent. As we were getting ready to leave and giving everyone hugs and "thank-you's", I saw my mom tear up. I assumed from the way she had held her cool most of the weekend that she was tearing up because we were heading out. I went to hug her and she tells me "Please, don't do it." What? Along with, "You're breaking my heart." Talk about a slap in the face.

I didn't know what to do or say. I just looked at her and in my head I honestly thought that maybe we shouldn't. That was the first thing I told my husband when we got in the van, "Maybe we shouldn't convert." I was surprised by his reaction, stating that we were doing what we thought was best for our family and if she didn't like it, that was too bad.

I have had nothing but my mom on my mind since. Thinking how I want her to be there when we are entered into the Catholic faith. I want her there to be my mom and to be able to talk to her how I have always been able to talk to her. I understand she was hurt. I want her to find forgiveness. I want her to be more open-minded. I know that's a lot to ask of her. All I can do is pray.

Dear God, help to open my mom's heart and mind so she can respect and support our decision. Help her to find healing for whatever was done to her in the past. Amen