Some Days I Just Don't Want to be a Mom

Maybe it's coming down from the Christmas gathering high. Maybe it's returning to work after five days off. Maybe it's all the junk food I've consumed and all the alcohol I've drunk over the Christmas weekend.

Whatever it is, I have had two days in the last three that I have seriously told myself, "I just don't want to be a mom right now."

Our three year old has been throwing horrendous tantrums for the last week. We took her off of a nap schedule since she was being such a distraction at bed time and taking forever to fall asleep during her regular nap time, we thought it was a good time to transition her out of the nap stage. This last week though, by the time 4:00pm rolls around, she is an absolute pill! Never satisfied, never happy....ALWAYS CRYING!!! I can't take it!

Our older children are home from school for Christmas break. That about explains it. Endless fighting. Fighting because they're playing with each other's toys. Fighting because they aren't wanting to play with each other. It's seriously a no win situation every moment at our house.

These are the days I just want to be left alone and not have anyone touch me, talk to me. I just want to be by myself and have no other cares.

I realize I shouldn't think this way but it happens every once in awhile. I realize I probably don't pay as much attention to them as I should. I need to adjust my screen time just as much as I need to adjust theirs. I need to show them by example not by lecture. At times this works. Other times I don't have the back up I need by my husband to implement a plan.

I just get frustrated and by the time I realize what I need to do, it's usually too late. I've already yelled at them or ignored them or just ran away for a minute.

We all need to do a little better.

In Need of an Immune Booster!

Month three of sickness and it's only December. In October, we battled sinus infections and stomach flu; November brought more stomach flu; December we have random high fevers that last less than 24 hours but makes the kiddos incredibly irritable.

I can dote on the kids when they're sick all day long, but, when night comes around, I need to check out. Unfortunately, this seems to be when their symptoms are on high alert. The "mommy's", the vomit, the fevers, the thirst, the need for more medicine seem to always occur between the hours of 1 and 4 am.

I am not a good person when I don't get sleep. Last night was one of those nights that I'm not sure if I even did sleep as it was so choppy and I was kept up waiting for the next round of needs to begin. What's worse is I just can't get myself up for my early morning routine. The one that has a calming effect on me. It just makes the days a little bit harder.

I'm hoping the remainder of the winter will decrease the occurrences of our family being quarantined.

Why Do I Bother?

Seriously....

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother when it comes to motherhood. I knew this would be a long weekend as my husband was out of the house for basketball commitments so I had activities planned ahead of time to keep the kids occupied to avoid any fighting, yelling, the normal occurrences of our evenings.

I had a painting Christmas craft, a coloring craft, letters, outdoor time, baking cookies, all in the last two days. As my husband predicted, that took up a total of about an hour of their time and they were right back to fighting, yelling, tearing up the house, arguing. You know. The real fun stuff.

I don't know what it is with our oldest but he is in such an argumentative stage of his life right now. Anything I suggest or say is automatically responded with a "Why?" or an "I don't want to do that." or an "It's not my fault". Every. Single. Time. I don't know how to handle that. I get immediately frustrated and just begin to yell at him. It starts before I can stop it and I'm left feeling so incredibly guilty. I go back and try to talk to him in a calmer tone and explain why I get so upset when he makes arguments over things I'm asking him to do. I try to explain to him that I ask him to do those things not because I'm angry with him but because I need his help. He acts like he understands what I'm saying but an hour later the cycle continues. I just don't know what to do.

This morning after taking all three kids to mass by myself, I just gave up. I thought, "Why do I even bother? I had fun activities planned and I still get eye rolls and whining and fighting and yelling". So I ignored them. For three hours this morning I did not acknowledge them. It sounds worse than it actually was. I didn't respond to their whines, their questions, their tattle-tales. I was silent.

I finally gathered them up at lunch time and asked them how they liked me ignoring them this morning and how it felt. They said they didn't like it and it made them feel bad. I told them that that was how I felt for the last two days because I was either ignored after giving them instructions or I had to listen to them arguing with me about it. We all decided from then on we were going to work together and have a fun day. That lasted about an hour. Again.

I am at a loss of what to do and I feel like a complete failure that I can't go two days without being so irritated by them and how they can't go two days without the fighting and crying. It's everyone on overload the entire time! I feel like I can't call my husband about it because then it seems like he should never leave the house.

What really ticks me off is that I was gone most of last weekend and my husband was with the kids and they got along fine. No complaints! So then I think, "Is it me?". Do I bring out the worst in my kids? Do I bring out the worst in our family? That's a horrible feeling and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I have tried every angle with them and I always come up short. I feel so helpless and exhausted and just a failure as a mom, as a wife. It just really sucks.

What A Week...

I realize I'm already ridiculously behind on many of my personal goals. This week has been chaotic and sadly, it's not done yet!

Between mom fails, car fails, work fails....I'm surprised I haven't polished off a bottle of wine to forget it all.

Let's start at the beginning....

Monday. As I'm finishing up my work day my boss walks in (enter eye roll). He's in a panic because there was a mistake on one of my charts. A mistake that I realized was made last week and I had already fixed it. He refuses to hear me that I already fixed it so he goes on and on and on about how a mistake was made. Thanks for listening boss-man!

Tuesday. I volunteered to work the afternoon and all was well. Until the last hour. It's always the last hour that makes me run ragged! Oliver, our oldest, had a Christmas concert so I brought his clothes into town to avoid a running back and forth moment as we live ten minutes outside of town and my husband and I both worked until 6. I wasn't able to leave my work until 6:20. As I get into my vehicle I receive a phone call from daycare, "Nora (our youngest) hasn't been picked up from daycare yet". *&*#^*!!!! I had assumed my husband was going to pick her up after school and take her to practice with him. Right after that my husband calls me (it is now 6:26), "Oliver goes on stage in four minutes and he is still in his gym shorts and t-shirt!". *&^%%*&^*!!!!! I race across town to pick up Nora then race across town to get Oliver his clothes. There are ZERO spots close to the theater to park. I run with Nora under one arm and a pile of clothes under the other. CHAOS! He had a Spiderman shirt under his nice sweater which could not be hidden and no socks. Mom fail.

Wednesday. Time for an oil change on the minivan to prepare for holiday travels! Oil change, Power Steering flush, that's all I need. I trust our car guys as they never make me feel stupid and give me their honest opinions on what needs to be addressed sooner rather than later and what isn't a major concern at the moment. I get the call, "Your brakes are metal on metal and the cords are starting to show on your tires". *&%%*&^*^!!!!! This van has been a money suck for the last three months and I just wanted an easy appointment. We've been battling heating malfunctions in single digit temperatures, massive coolant leaks that sprayed the entire underhood, and now this. All right before Christmas. So I get the brakes and order the tires because it needs to be done. Especially before we travel for the holidays. Not cool. To top it off, my debit card refused to pay that much in one place so I had to call the bank and wait ten minutes for them to up my daily limit since I had forgotten our checkbook. Embarrassment...

Thursday. I work all day. I had three no-show and one cancelled appointment all afternoon. I do not like twiddling my thumbs at my job. And of course it's never the last ones of the day that do that to me. No! It's got to be the patients immediately after lunch. So the day can really drag on! The Central City boys basketball team lost and my Huskers are struggling against Illinois.

Friday. It  hasn't happened yet, but I volunteered to work so my day's already shot.

Don't get me wrong, I will find my Suzy Sunshine and I will get out of this rut. There's not too much more that can happen, right?

Weekend Slack

Why is it so hard to keep a schedule during the weekends? I feel like those are the days I need a schedule more than ever since everyone wants to be helter-skelter once confined in the house. i have such high hopes to do great activities and crafts with the kids but it seems to turn into a disaster more than an accomplishment. There's fighting, there's crying, and always, always, a big mess for me to pick up.

It seems so much easier to just let everyone go by the whim of their own pants. This usually bites me in the ass because as soon as we all sit down together, whether for a meal or a movie, it's like we have forgotten how to converse with other members of the human race. There's fighting, there's crying, and always, always a big mess for me to pick up!

I notice that I get so caught up in what I need to get done that as long as the kids are occupied, I don't think about it too much. But I need to. They need to do more than eat snacks and watch tv. I love tv which is why I want them to learn how to go through a day without it. It became a big time suck, major distraction, with so many events in my life. How pathetic! I don't want that for them.

I plan on making this week a week of positive attempts at family time. This is such a busy time of year that we need those moments with each other.

Unrealistic Expectations

My husband is a basketball coach. Most days it doesn't effect our rhythm too much but then there are the days when expectations become a little unrealistic.

He has a handful of Thursday night home games which just happen to be the same night that I work until 6pm. He takes the kids after school and impatiently waits for me to get off work and take over. This wouldn't be such a bad thing if he didn't have such high expectations for the children's behavior.

Our kids are 7, 6, and 3. Not the ideal sit still age by far, especially when the older two have worked hard to behave at school all day. They just aren't going to sit still. Music is going. Friends are coming in and out. It's just unrealistic to assume they will stay in one spot quietly.

Tonight I got to the game and the first thing said by my husband is, "They need to go home."

Ok.

He claims he didn't want me to have to deal with them if they were not being the best behaved but we are very different when it comes to our kids' etiquette at games. For one thing, I'm not studying anything! He's watching JV players and can't be catering to all their needs. I, on the other hand, am more free to chase and adjust and occupy.

I told him we need to figure this out because it's going to be a long season for both of us if this is how every game is going to be. I will pack books, crayons, whatever, to occupy them for an hour. We can drop them off his parents' house, worse comes to worse.

I don't want them to end up hating the game because we made it miserable to go. This is a big part of their lives now, whether they want it to be or not. Maybe that'll change but for now, they need to love it and realize that this is how we see daddy for the next three months.  We all need to make some compromises.

Aunt Flo Is Trying to Kill Me

Every month Aunt Flo decides she needs to drop in for a visit. Sometimes she gives you a heads up she's on her way and other times she drops in unannounced. She could show up early or she could keep you in a panic waiting for her arrival. One thing is always a guarantee to my visits from Aunt Flo...I can hardly wait for her to leave!

I never had major issues with my periods until I started having kids. When our second child came along a little too quickly for our liking, I decided to try an IUD. This was long before we converted to Catholicism so I didn't think much of it and a friend of mine had recently gotten one and said it was working great for her. Apparently my body despises any form of birth control. The pill made me moody. The IUD either was infected or caused me to bleed well past the 5-7 day requirement of misery. The shot coincided with my post-partum depression and I honestly think it threw my hormones for a loop it wasn't ready for and I've been having problems ever since.

Most months I can get by with popping the Ibuprofen day 2 and 3 then coast it out for the remainder of the week. Not this month. This month Mother Nature is flipping me the bird as if I have done something unforgivable since last month. I walk as much as I can, I am very much a nonlitter-er. I don't know what I did to piss her off but she is sure making me pay for it!

I can't remember being more fatigued or dizzy, not to mention the headache I've all day today and I'm on day four! Usually by now I don't even notice the cramps! They are still making me double over. It really blows. Oh, Aunt Flo. Why are you such a witch sometimes?!?!

Of course I will be passing this on the the good 'ole gyno and see if she has any new remedies for me.

There are times I wonder if my body is giving me a violent riot because we've decided we're done having kids. My loins are grieving for another baby and are looting my uterus, shredding every last bit of it to make me long for the days when I didn't have to deal with Aunt Flo's visits for almost two years. I do miss those days....Just not enough to have any more children!

I know she'll go away eventually. Three days to go! Hopefully. She has been known to stay longer. A few weeks of bliss before she barges in again. Yay for women...

Some People...

There are people I have come across throughout my life that just make me want to scream. I have had the opportunity to come across two such people in the last two days. Goodness.

I am very much a task oriented person and when I come upon a to-do that I'm not familiar with I will always try it on my own and then ask for help. I take pride in knowing that I made the attempt on my own and I try to ask for help before it goes too far.

These people...not so much. Any task is just too difficult for them even though it's laid out pretty simply. Nothing fancy. It's as if they take joy in sucking any positive notion out of the air and remind you that life is horrible. Scratch that...THEIR life is horrible.

Now I'm sure this may have been just a coincidence and maybe they really are going through a tough time. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But when every suggestion, every possible scenerio is laid out for them and it's still not up to their standards and yet they won't give any feedback on what would be helpful. I need to either walk away or have a come to Jesus moment with them.

I can't hold your adult woman hand through this. You have to figure it out. If I am having to use my energy because you are too lazy to try on your own, I won't have any energy left on myself and I will leave you feeling drained and depressed when I am normally a very optimistic, silver-lining kind of person. Don't bring me into your funk. I can't handle it.

Blah...

I'm cold.

I'm tired.

I don't want to write but I promised myself I would write every day so here it is.

I did admit not all of them would be good.

Now to rot my brain with some Netflix.....

He Still Asks About My Day

I remember when my husband and I were dating and I went over to his house after class to hang out and the first thing he asked me was, "How was your day?". His roommate was in the room and he jokingly scoffed at him and said, "That's all you have to say?". We both laughed it off, somewhat uncomfortably because neither of us really knew how to respond and we were both nervous to actually talk about our day.

I'm not going to lie, at first I was upset. I kept thinking that we should be having these great, in-depth conversations all the time. Solving the world's problems, really digging into each others hopes and dreams. Surely we could make every moment that way, right? Ha!

Fast forward fifteen years later and he still asks me about my day. That hasn't changed. What has changed is my feeling towards such a simple question. I appreciate it. Sure, most of the time I give the generic "It was fine" response because nothing too exciting had happened. Then there are days that I give a little more information, good or bad, and he listens. He tells me his details of the day if needed and I listen.

Listening has been the key. We both have had to mature and learn in the listening department. When I'd be complaining about a particularly hard day or event, he used to feel the need to solve my problem and then we'd both get frustrated because that's not what I was looking for and he didn't know how to solve it in the first place. I expressed to him that I wasn't looking for a solution, I was merely getting issues off my chest and out in the open so that I could process the situation better. He's learned to just listen and be there for me and I've learned to communicate if I need his help or if I am ok working it out on my own.

It might be a generic question and it might be more rhetorical some days, but the day he stops asking how my day was is the day that I will worry. Worry for him that he's being distracted by something else going on. Worry for us that we just don't care to ask anymore. I hope that day never comes because we've had some really great conversations starting with that simple question. We want to be involved in each others' lives and are there for each other no matter how big or small the moment.

As the kids get older and we're catching each other as we're running ragged, I pray we always find the time to ask each other, "How was your day?".

A Mellowed Out Clean Freak

I have always been a person who took pride in a clean, well organized space. I would make time most weekends to make sure every item was in it's rightful spot. Not a lot of people enjoy cleaning out junk drawers in their spare time but I find it to be a calming exercise to start with a disorganized heap and turn it into a well categorized system. I love it!

Then I had a family...

I love my husband and he is so good to me and the kids but sometimes I really want to rip into him that not every room in the house can be his bedroom. Clothes are everywhere, papers are scattered, nothing is in it's proper location. It's a problem for me.

As for our children, their organization gene has not kicked in yet. Every now and again I see a glimpse of it and as soon as I get goosebumps showing them how amazing it could be, they've lost complete interest and I'm left to organize the toy room on my own once again. Oh, I've threatened to throw out all their toys and I've expressed many times how I will likely loose my shit if things aren't put away, nothing seems to really bring them over the edge into my world. This is probably a good thing because, let's be honest, they would more likely have a different system that I wouldn't approve of anyway and then there'd be the butting of heads, the yelling, the throwing.

I will say though, that I have gotten extremely better over the last five years or so. I don't know if it's from having a third child or that the older kids are becoming more involved in activities that I just don't have the energy or time to allow such dramatic cleaning. I can now look in a toy box and not completely freak out that the Barbies are mixed in with the kitchen set items. Or that the books are sitting upside down in the bookshelf and not right-side up, hey, at least they're in the bookshelf! Don't get me wrong, there are stills days every now and then where everything MUST be put in it's proper place and I will spend hours getting it straightened out, telling myself over and over that it's a pointless task as our three year old will have it mixed up again within half an hour.

It's been a long process but I have begun to realize that having a spotless home is not nearly as important and being able to relax with my family. This last summer was a great season of allowing myself to let the cleaning take a far back seat to making memories with my loved ones. Going to the pool, walking on the trail, just being outside almost all day was even more exhilarating to me than organizing. It felt liberating to let that go.

I haven't turned a full 180 and you will most certainly see me balking at a sign that reads anything remotely close to "A Dirty House Is A House Of Love". Come on. I still require one Saturday a month to complete a deep cleaning of the house. My husband knows to entertain the kids and stay out of my way for that one day. If they want to help, I'm all for it and if not, please stay out of my way. They are beginning to understand how mommy works!

One of these years, they all will have it figured out and I won't have to spend an entire day dusting and vacuuming and mopping by myself. Until then, this is my thing and as long as I keep it balanced and try to remind myself that things don't have to be perfect, we will all survive!

The Beginning of a Great Day

There are three things that I must do everyday in order to have a solid, positive outlook on all that comes my way day to day.

1. Find alone time to pray. I have found that waking up an hour before the rest of the clan to take time to pray the Holy Rosary and to focus on my Bible readings helps me remember my blessings and puts me in a positive mood for the rest of the day. The Rosary especially helps as it puts Christianity in perspective for me as I pray any of the 5 Mysteries and realize all that lead to the ultimate sacrifice Jesus became so that we could be saved. Every problem that arises throughout the day seems small potatoes compared to what Christ had to endure.

2. I work out. I am definitely not a Beachbody mom but I realize I do need daily exercise in my life. I do work in Physical Therapy afterall! I'm not looking into running any marathons or have any expectations for a six pack anymore. I'm just trying to get my sweat on! If I do this early on in the day it frees up so much more time to focus on other tasks instead of stressing when I'm going to squeeze a quick workout in which usual results in not squeezing a quick workout in.

3. The checkbook matches the bank statement! I praise the Lord when this happens!!! It's taken a lot of practice, will power, sacrifice, and prayer to keep us in the black this last year. I was used to working 30-40 hours for all of my adult life and when we moved to Central City I was faced with a whopping 12 hours. Trust me, this was not because I wanted to work less or wanted to make drastic changes to our lifestyle, that's just all that was available in my field. We've adapted well and although I'd like to see even more numbers in the black, I realize this is a work in progress and the unexpected will occur so everyday that we are in sync with the bank is a day that I'm so much happier!

If I can manage to accomplish these three simple acts, and the earlier in the day the better, I am so much more grateful for the day that lies ahead. I'm not yelling as much. I'm not as annoyed with the little things. I'm so much more at peace.

The days I decide to sleep in or take a day off is a day of worry. If I miss my prayer time, I feel lost. If I miss my workout, I feel irritated. If I forget to check our accounts, I get paranoid. It's no fun for anyone. I intend to keep up my early morning routine everyday. With only working 12 hours a week I'm sure I can sneak a nap in there somewhere if needed ;)

Prove Myself Right

"I can do this....I can do this....I can do this"

This is my new mantra. I have scared myself away from writing for too long and I fully intend to get back into it. I have a new set of rules though.

1. Write EVERY DAY. They say practice makes perfect....time to test if it's relevant to my writing.
2. Write for me, not someone else whether it be readers or publishers. This is me. You don't like it, find another blog to follow.
3. Be real. There's no sugar coating in this life.

These are my main goals to get back into writing and to silence the little voice inside my head telling me I am not good enough. I know I am. I just need practice. Writing will now be in my daily schedule just as much as any other obligation during my day. Some posts might be good, some might be horrible. Some could be funny, some could be moaning and groaning. Who knows! I have no other expectations except for those three above.

Strap in....this could be a bumpy ride....