Ouch! Re-cap

I wanted to write an update to my "Ouch!" post as it has been quite the week!

Day two and three were the WORST! I couldn't rub against my breasts. I couldn't hold Nora or hug the kids without being in pain. It was NOT fun! I started to worry about mastitis but thankfully that hasn't been an issue. The best I could think of to do was put ice packs on and use Ibuprofen which did help but not fully relieve.

That's what I get! My mom reminded me on day three that I could call my doctor for medicine to wipe out my milk but I like taking the suffering route! Like I said at Nora's birth before getting the epidural, "I need to feel this to know she is our last baby!".

Day four the pain started to subside but I still felt full. I kept talking myself into and finally out of nursing Nora to make it stop. I did not want to start this all over again! Day five until now (day eight) have shown major relief! I'm still tender but I can hold and cuddle Nora and hug the kids without pain. No more hard lumps, which I'm not going to lie, I did worry about breast cancer lumps. Being a worst-case-scenerio thinker and the fact I watch way too much t.v. did make me a little paranoid!

So over a week later and I can say that the milk is gone and my nursing days are over. It is still a sad moment for me knowing that we are officially done having children. Now I can focus more on all three of the kids rather than more exclusively Nora. I'm excited about the new-found freedom I will have and not having to schedule everything around pumping and feeding. Nora did try a little whole milk in a sippy cup yesterday and did really well with it! So far, no reactions. Big girl, here she comes!

Dear God, thank you for our crazy children! Help us to remember to be patient with them and enjoy them because they grow up way too fast! Amen.

Ouch!

Ouch! That's all I can say right now. Ouch!

I decided that today would be as good as any to just stop nursing Nora. Not a good idea! I honestly didn't think it would be this bad since I have only been nursing her in the morning and at bed time. But my goodness, this is ridiculous! Any shift, nudge, tap and I'm wincing in pain, trying not to scream.

This too, shall pass. Lord be with me!

I tried telling BJ it felt probably like the lingering effects of being kicked in the balls and he was quick to assure me that being kicked in the balls was by far worse. I still think this is pretty comparable! A million sharp needles stabbing into my chest. The feeling that one wrong hit would literally make my breasts pop like a water balloon.

I can feel my heart racing a little faster as my breasts continue to fill, hoping that I'll give in and pump or wake Nora up and let her nurse. She would undoubtedly choke on the rush of milk then not want anymore making me have to start all over again.

So why did I decide today? Well, first of all, with Nora's want to play rather than eat, she doesn't latch right and I have had sore blisters for the last month. She also just turned eleven months and we have at least a month's worth of milk still in the freezer. Most of all, I just wanted my freedom back. We have busy weekends coming up and I don't want to have to worry about hiding to feed Nora or scheduling around when she needs to eat or when I need to pump. I'm just at that point where I'm over it. I lasted longer with her than I did with Oliver and Brynn which makes me pretty proud!

There will be plenty of things I will miss, though. My favorite times were when she would fall asleep nursing taking slow, soft suckles, her little lips laying lazily on my breast. The most precious sight of my baby girl! Her little smile she would give me as I tickled her cheek. The way she would get excited, kicking her feet and waving her hands as I got her into position to nurse. They aren't lying when they talk about the bond breastfeeding can create between mother and child. It is a truly amazing gift that I took for granted at times.

Now our baby girl is growing and I can't wait to see what kind of "Blase Crazy" she'll become.

For now, I will suffer the consequences of my quick decision making and hope by morning I'm back to my flattened pancakes! It is disappointing that the time when my breasts are the largest neither I nor my husband can enjoy them!

Dear God, help me to get through this discomfort knowing that there are others suffering more than me. Amen.

Just Do It

Why do I find it so hard to sit down and write?

Seriously.

What else do I have to do? This evening I thought there was no way I would have time to write and yet, here I am. Writing.

It hasn't been without it's challenges. BJ has golf tonight and it's never smooth sailing when I am alone to get all three kiddos fed and ready for bed. Nice little rhyme action there! And once they are in bed, there's the supper clean up and toy clean up.

Then there's the shows I want to watch. It was so much nicer when I didn't watch TV.

All day long I tell myself, "write, write, write". Because I enjoy it and it really does make me feel better afterwards. I let myself get so distracted with things that don't matter that I completely ignore the voice in my head saying what I need to be doing.

I keep thinking of a quote I saw on Facebook. About meeting God in heaven and thanking Him for my blessings and Him telling me, "Think of what you could have done if you trusted Me more?".

I want to trust Him. I want to trust Him with my whole heart. I know He is guiding me to write and yet I continue to stall. Why? Because I'm afraid of failing? Because I'm afraid of what others will think? Why does it matter? If this is what I'm supposed to do, than it will work out. Remember that. And just do it!

Dear God, help me to trust in You with my whole heart. Help me to become the person You intended me to be. Amen.

Energy or Lack Thereof

Mondays. Ugh. Nothing can make a Monday seem exciting. Not until this summer at least when I will have Monday's off! But seriously, ugh!

To tell the truth, Tuesday is actually worse than Monday to me. You drag yourself out of bed on Monday morning after a too short weekend and you rev yourself up to get through the day. You make it through with a smile on your face get home and just want to crash. Only to realize tomorrow is only Tuesday. At least Wednesday you're halfway done and Thursday and Friday are a breeze to the weekend. Also, the thought of having to work this weekend at the hospital doesn't make my outlook any better.

I usually don't have all that much energy on Monday but this Monday is even worse as we had a busy weekend with two late nights in a row. Not something this 31 year old can handle as well anymore!  It was one of those mornings where you check each child's head for a fever thinking it's the only hope I have of getting to stay home today! When everyone wakes up perfectly healthy, I'm a little disappointed. Oh, well, get through the day.

This Monday was also the most disorganized I have every felt. For two weeks I was telling myself that Oliver had a doctor appointment on Tuesday and when I opened my planner at work this morning there it was. Marked in high lighter. Today was his appointment. Shit.

Luckily I was in the nursing home this morning and was able to re-arrange my schedule a little more easily than if I had been at the clinic. The downfall was that I would have to go back to the nursing home over my lunch hour. Ugh. But I then realized I could count both on my mileage! Gotta have that "yin-yang" to boost my spirits!

It all ended up working out but man, did it drain my energy! I knew that it wasn't going to be a night that I could get to bed early either. I was invited to a friend's jewelry show which I felt obligated to go to since it was her last one. Volleyball league is tonight, too. Sometimes it amazes me how I can get through a crazy day on low energy but I do it! I remember when we first had Oliver and he wasn't sleeping well through the night. Before having kids if I didn't sleep very well I would just call into work. But when you have kids, most nights aren't good sleeping nights! But you can't call in sick every time that happens. It's amazing how we can get through a day after a rough night. Probably not very pretty but dang it, I have to do it!

Then I look at my kids. If I had half their energy, I would be raring to go all day everyday. It just amazes me how crazy they can get! What I really don't like about the lack of energy is how I respond to their overwhelming energy. I get irritated. I get angry. Although I feel like I've gotten better at thinking before I start yelling. Today has been a good day with that. I've been able to control my responses better.  Even at Oliver's doctor appointment he started crying and whining that he didn't want to go and I was able to talk to him and calm him down rather than man-handle and yell which was a nice change. I'm not at all surprised anymore when he does respond that way to something he doesn't want to do. Once we got there he actually did do really well and went through his exam like a champ! I was a little more worried when I saw them bring in a gown for him. The last time I asked him to change into a gown for the doctor it was not good. Lots of crying, lots of yelling. It was awful. But he put it on like a champ and was good to go!

This week is going to be a draining week just in that itself since he goes in for dental surgery on Thursday. The emotions I've been having with him going under anesthesia for the first time has been having an affect on my energy. Not to mention this time of the month (no, not my period) is always my most stressful because it's two weeks until payday and already we need to find extra cash. It's not as bad as it has been in the past but there's still a whole week left. I hate this feeling. There's always something.

I have to remind myself that it's only as bad as I make it. It's easy to focus on the negative but usually you can find the positive not far behind it. Focus on that and it won't seem so bad.

Dear God, Help me find the energy to get through the stresses of everyday life and to remember my blessings over my burdens. Help me to trust in you and give my worries to you. Amen.

Honesty

It's so hard to be honest sometimes. Honest with friends, honest with family, honest with stangers, honest with myself. Why is that? Do I not like the sound of honesty? Does my life or my experiences sound absolutely boring? Yeah, it probably is boring to others. But it's me and I want to be more honest about my life.

Does this mean I have to reveal every single detail? Absolutely not! There is honesty and then there is full disclosure. People don't need to know everything and yet I feel that yes they do. Maybe even more as I try to make ordinary stories more enjoyable for the audience. I need to learn to keep the details to myself and not over-indulge in information, or at least be more picky about my audience.

Obviously, I will tell my close friends more details than I need to tell someone I end up standing in line with. Sometimes I just get caught up in what others are sharing that I think, "Yes! I have an experience like that and it might even top theirs!". Why? What's the point? So they can go to their friends and say, "Hey, I know someone who's even more messed up than me!"? That's not what I want for my life. Unfortunately, I've had a couple experiences where I over-indulged and wanted to take it back so bad but the people I shared with are already holding it against me. In harmless fun, but still, it's out there.

The thing is, I have no reason to get annoyed with them. It's my fault I have no filter at times. But things are out there that need not to be and I'm the one that brought it to light! Ugh. Life.

The point of this entry is to remind myself that I want to be honest with this project. Knowing that it won't always be pretty or always be fun, I need to be honest. That's the only way this can be mine and mine alone.

God, give me the virtue of honesty while being mindful of the details that need or need not be shared. Amen.