Why Do I Bother?

Seriously....

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother when it comes to motherhood. I knew this would be a long weekend as my husband was out of the house for basketball commitments so I had activities planned ahead of time to keep the kids occupied to avoid any fighting, yelling, the normal occurrences of our evenings.

I had a painting Christmas craft, a coloring craft, letters, outdoor time, baking cookies, all in the last two days. As my husband predicted, that took up a total of about an hour of their time and they were right back to fighting, yelling, tearing up the house, arguing. You know. The real fun stuff.

I don't know what it is with our oldest but he is in such an argumentative stage of his life right now. Anything I suggest or say is automatically responded with a "Why?" or an "I don't want to do that." or an "It's not my fault". Every. Single. Time. I don't know how to handle that. I get immediately frustrated and just begin to yell at him. It starts before I can stop it and I'm left feeling so incredibly guilty. I go back and try to talk to him in a calmer tone and explain why I get so upset when he makes arguments over things I'm asking him to do. I try to explain to him that I ask him to do those things not because I'm angry with him but because I need his help. He acts like he understands what I'm saying but an hour later the cycle continues. I just don't know what to do.

This morning after taking all three kids to mass by myself, I just gave up. I thought, "Why do I even bother? I had fun activities planned and I still get eye rolls and whining and fighting and yelling". So I ignored them. For three hours this morning I did not acknowledge them. It sounds worse than it actually was. I didn't respond to their whines, their questions, their tattle-tales. I was silent.

I finally gathered them up at lunch time and asked them how they liked me ignoring them this morning and how it felt. They said they didn't like it and it made them feel bad. I told them that that was how I felt for the last two days because I was either ignored after giving them instructions or I had to listen to them arguing with me about it. We all decided from then on we were going to work together and have a fun day. That lasted about an hour. Again.

I am at a loss of what to do and I feel like a complete failure that I can't go two days without being so irritated by them and how they can't go two days without the fighting and crying. It's everyone on overload the entire time! I feel like I can't call my husband about it because then it seems like he should never leave the house.

What really ticks me off is that I was gone most of last weekend and my husband was with the kids and they got along fine. No complaints! So then I think, "Is it me?". Do I bring out the worst in my kids? Do I bring out the worst in our family? That's a horrible feeling and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I have tried every angle with them and I always come up short. I feel so helpless and exhausted and just a failure as a mom, as a wife. It just really sucks.