I decided, with much regret by my husband on my behalf, to tell my parents we were seriously considering coverting to catholicism when we were home for Christmas. I was ignorant enough to believe I had more pros than cons that it would be the best time to tell them which were:
1) It was Christmas, a time of love and acceptance.
2) It was the year of Mercy.
3) At the time, it was just myself and my parents.
4) It would ward off any questions after Christmas Eve service at our Lutheran church after not receiving communion.
5) It was me.
I always felt that mom and I had a different relationship. Than what? I can't pin-point, but different enough from her and my sisters that she would be more open towards our decision since it was coming from me. I guess I would describe is as a certain type of respect we seem to have towards each other. Obviousy, I may have over-estimated our relationship.
She still wouldn't tell me exactly why she felt this way towards the Catholic church, and that bothered me. I felt that she couldn't so strongly oppose my decision and urge me not to go through with it and then think that I didn't need a reason. To her, she flet like this was the ultimate sign of disrespect that I could have given her. I just really wish she could separate me from the individual that hurt her years ago. I wish she could separate the church from the individual that hurt her. The fact that she can't makes me think it was a priest that made the comments. I would think it would be harder to separate the church from the individual if the individual was someone who was leading the church.
I will give my mom credit, she remained her normal self throughout the rest of the weekend when my sisters started to arrive. She was not hostile, she was not quick tempered. She was her usual self and I'm glad she was. At Christmas Eve service, I asked her if she would prefer if I would receive communion and she said "yes". I was hoping the gesture would calm her down and show her that I'm still me and didn't plan on changing that just because I felt led to join the Catholic church.
As I began to think that maybe all she needed was some time to accept this, I heard the worst sentence a child could ever hear from their parent. As we were getting ready to leave and giving everyone hugs and "thank-you's", I saw my mom tear up. I assumed from the way she had held her cool most of the weekend that she was tearing up because we were heading out. I went to hug her and she tells me "Please, don't do it." What? Along with, "You're breaking my heart." Talk about a slap in the face.
I didn't know what to do or say. I just looked at her and in my head I honestly thought that maybe we shouldn't. That was the first thing I told my husband when we got in the van, "Maybe we shouldn't convert." I was surprised by his reaction, stating that we were doing what we thought was best for our family and if she didn't like it, that was too bad.
I have had nothing but my mom on my mind since. Thinking how I want her to be there when we are entered into the Catholic faith. I want her there to be my mom and to be able to talk to her how I have always been able to talk to her. I understand she was hurt. I want her to find forgiveness. I want her to be more open-minded. I know that's a lot to ask of her. All I can do is pray.
Dear God, help to open my mom's heart and mind so she can respect and support our decision. Help her to find healing for whatever was done to her in the past. Amen
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