What's My Worth?

What is my worth?

I've struggled with that most of my adult life. I have no idea what value I bring to this life. I've felt like more of a disappointment than anything, from my choices in college to how I live my life now. I struggle to find my worth and I feel like when some point out what my value is, it's too few and far between to help me shake the feelings and thoughts that I struggle with everyday. I feel like I can't get anything right. I'm constantly making mistakes and bringing others down.

Many days I'm left to wonder, "is this what depression feels like?"

So where did this begin?

In high school I felt I was important. I was involved in everything from sports to one-acts. I had friends. I had boyfriends. I think I was your pretty typical teenage girl. I thought I had my future life figured out once I graduated and started at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. I knew for three years of high school that I wanted to attend UNL and I wanted to study Athletic Training and eventually become a Physical Therapist. My first semester was pretty clear cut. I did well, could've done better. I didn't make the honor roll but I got A's and B's for the most part. I partied too much probably. I didn't expand my social horizons past the old high school group which could have been part of my problem although I couldn't really tell you why.

By sophomore year, though, it got rocky for me. I was accepted into the Athletic Training program but realized half-way through my first semester sophomore year that I didn't want to deal with whiny athletes the rest of my life. So I tried pre-radiology and spent two years applying without being accepted. So now in my second semester of Junior year and I had no major and no real career prospects. I was taking random classes that I didn't really care much about and became a C student, something I never thought I would be. I felt like a major disappointment to my family, to myself.

In my fourth year at UNL I had randomly heard about the Physical Therapist Assistant program at Clarkson College. I gave it a shot and wrote a pretty good essay, at least it must have been good because my GPA wasn't stellar and I was accepted. I thought at least I would be able to get half-way to my original goal. I probably could have graduated from UNL if I had stayed one more year but I just wanted to be done and knew my degree wouldn't be anything worthwhile.

So it took me six years to obtain an Associate's degree. Not something I'm proud of and something I regret greatly everyday. It's also something my family hasn't let me live down. After sophomore year at UNL I ran out of scholarship money. It was all loans, personal and from my parents. My family reminds me that I was a financial waste in college. They do so lovingly of course and I can never tell them how it truly makes me feel because the support is never there. Of all six girls, I always hoped that I would have it together. Not so much.

The last three years I have really wanted to go back to school and get a couseling degree. Whether a guidance counselor in a high school to prevent other students from repeated my mistakes, or a family counselor to help kiddos that are from rough backgrounds or in the system. My husband has actually supported me in this but I got scared away and the more I look into it, the more frightened I become. The biggest part is the financial. Between my husband and I, we have almost $40,000 left in student loan debt. Something I'm not too thrilled about increasing. There's also not much in the way of financial aid when you are married and currently have a full-time decent paying job. The one thing I did do right is hurting my chances of having a career I love. Most people would look at me and say "Buck up, at least you have a job". Yes, I know.

I look at my parents who have been in jobs they don't enjoy for decades. I try not to complain for their sakes but I also know that they wanted better for us girls which is why they worked those crummy jobs. I screwed up and it's really affected me. I feel like I can't enjoy my life the way I should and my value is worthless. I try to focus on my family. I try to focus on my hobbies. Most days I just feel like it doesn't matter. I try to be everything and I feel like nothing.

Please God, get me out of this funk.