The Tears Start to Fall

Yesterday was a rough day.

There was a lot of yelling.

There was a lot of crying.

There was a lot of feeling inadequate and a failure as a mother.

There was a lot of resenting my husband for not doing more.

There was a lot of resenting my children for not doing the tasks I gave them up to my own standards.

There was a lot of feeling like a failure...

I hate days like this and usually looking back I can figure out where I went wrong. I expected too much without doing enough. I let the day become lazy only to allow the last hour to turn myself into a dictator. Then I cried. I cried because I didn't know what to do anymore. I cried because I couldn't live like this anymore.

I told my husband. I told him I couldn't live with the yelling. I couldn't live with the feeling of acting like such a horrible person towards the people I love. I couldn't live with constantly having to say "I'm sorry" afterwards.

He told me I expected too much out of them. They are not adults, they will not do chores exactly the way I want them done but they did do a lot for me throughout the day that normal 3-7 year olds don't do. They did the dishes. They folded and put away their own clothes. They put their toys away. Yes, it took a lot of reminding and eventually yelling for them to complete it all. Yes, there were distractions along the way, but they got it done. They did a lot.

Peace was my word for the year and January is already giving me trouble. I am nowhere near I where I want to be but I will continue to try. Continue to remind myself that these days are numbered. I will lower my expectations of them while increasing the expectations of myself. To teach the kids how to be responsible. To tell my husband when I need help and not contain it only to resent him later for it.

This has been an issue for me for far too long. If I expect to have any peace in my household, I need to work harder. I need to communicate and we need to hold each other accountable. Whether that's taking away toys or taking away activities. There needs to be change.