Why Do I Bother?

Seriously....

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother when it comes to motherhood. I knew this would be a long weekend as my husband was out of the house for basketball commitments so I had activities planned ahead of time to keep the kids occupied to avoid any fighting, yelling, the normal occurrences of our evenings.

I had a painting Christmas craft, a coloring craft, letters, outdoor time, baking cookies, all in the last two days. As my husband predicted, that took up a total of about an hour of their time and they were right back to fighting, yelling, tearing up the house, arguing. You know. The real fun stuff.

I don't know what it is with our oldest but he is in such an argumentative stage of his life right now. Anything I suggest or say is automatically responded with a "Why?" or an "I don't want to do that." or an "It's not my fault". Every. Single. Time. I don't know how to handle that. I get immediately frustrated and just begin to yell at him. It starts before I can stop it and I'm left feeling so incredibly guilty. I go back and try to talk to him in a calmer tone and explain why I get so upset when he makes arguments over things I'm asking him to do. I try to explain to him that I ask him to do those things not because I'm angry with him but because I need his help. He acts like he understands what I'm saying but an hour later the cycle continues. I just don't know what to do.

This morning after taking all three kids to mass by myself, I just gave up. I thought, "Why do I even bother? I had fun activities planned and I still get eye rolls and whining and fighting and yelling". So I ignored them. For three hours this morning I did not acknowledge them. It sounds worse than it actually was. I didn't respond to their whines, their questions, their tattle-tales. I was silent.

I finally gathered them up at lunch time and asked them how they liked me ignoring them this morning and how it felt. They said they didn't like it and it made them feel bad. I told them that that was how I felt for the last two days because I was either ignored after giving them instructions or I had to listen to them arguing with me about it. We all decided from then on we were going to work together and have a fun day. That lasted about an hour. Again.

I am at a loss of what to do and I feel like a complete failure that I can't go two days without being so irritated by them and how they can't go two days without the fighting and crying. It's everyone on overload the entire time! I feel like I can't call my husband about it because then it seems like he should never leave the house.

What really ticks me off is that I was gone most of last weekend and my husband was with the kids and they got along fine. No complaints! So then I think, "Is it me?". Do I bring out the worst in my kids? Do I bring out the worst in our family? That's a horrible feeling and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I have tried every angle with them and I always come up short. I feel so helpless and exhausted and just a failure as a mom, as a wife. It just really sucks.

What A Week...

I realize I'm already ridiculously behind on many of my personal goals. This week has been chaotic and sadly, it's not done yet!

Between mom fails, car fails, work fails....I'm surprised I haven't polished off a bottle of wine to forget it all.

Let's start at the beginning....

Monday. As I'm finishing up my work day my boss walks in (enter eye roll). He's in a panic because there was a mistake on one of my charts. A mistake that I realized was made last week and I had already fixed it. He refuses to hear me that I already fixed it so he goes on and on and on about how a mistake was made. Thanks for listening boss-man!

Tuesday. I volunteered to work the afternoon and all was well. Until the last hour. It's always the last hour that makes me run ragged! Oliver, our oldest, had a Christmas concert so I brought his clothes into town to avoid a running back and forth moment as we live ten minutes outside of town and my husband and I both worked until 6. I wasn't able to leave my work until 6:20. As I get into my vehicle I receive a phone call from daycare, "Nora (our youngest) hasn't been picked up from daycare yet". *&*#^*!!!! I had assumed my husband was going to pick her up after school and take her to practice with him. Right after that my husband calls me (it is now 6:26), "Oliver goes on stage in four minutes and he is still in his gym shorts and t-shirt!". *&^%%*&^*!!!!! I race across town to pick up Nora then race across town to get Oliver his clothes. There are ZERO spots close to the theater to park. I run with Nora under one arm and a pile of clothes under the other. CHAOS! He had a Spiderman shirt under his nice sweater which could not be hidden and no socks. Mom fail.

Wednesday. Time for an oil change on the minivan to prepare for holiday travels! Oil change, Power Steering flush, that's all I need. I trust our car guys as they never make me feel stupid and give me their honest opinions on what needs to be addressed sooner rather than later and what isn't a major concern at the moment. I get the call, "Your brakes are metal on metal and the cords are starting to show on your tires". *&%%*&^*^!!!!! This van has been a money suck for the last three months and I just wanted an easy appointment. We've been battling heating malfunctions in single digit temperatures, massive coolant leaks that sprayed the entire underhood, and now this. All right before Christmas. So I get the brakes and order the tires because it needs to be done. Especially before we travel for the holidays. Not cool. To top it off, my debit card refused to pay that much in one place so I had to call the bank and wait ten minutes for them to up my daily limit since I had forgotten our checkbook. Embarrassment...

Thursday. I work all day. I had three no-show and one cancelled appointment all afternoon. I do not like twiddling my thumbs at my job. And of course it's never the last ones of the day that do that to me. No! It's got to be the patients immediately after lunch. So the day can really drag on! The Central City boys basketball team lost and my Huskers are struggling against Illinois.

Friday. It  hasn't happened yet, but I volunteered to work so my day's already shot.

Don't get me wrong, I will find my Suzy Sunshine and I will get out of this rut. There's not too much more that can happen, right?

Weekend Slack

Why is it so hard to keep a schedule during the weekends? I feel like those are the days I need a schedule more than ever since everyone wants to be helter-skelter once confined in the house. i have such high hopes to do great activities and crafts with the kids but it seems to turn into a disaster more than an accomplishment. There's fighting, there's crying, and always, always, a big mess for me to pick up.

It seems so much easier to just let everyone go by the whim of their own pants. This usually bites me in the ass because as soon as we all sit down together, whether for a meal or a movie, it's like we have forgotten how to converse with other members of the human race. There's fighting, there's crying, and always, always a big mess for me to pick up!

I notice that I get so caught up in what I need to get done that as long as the kids are occupied, I don't think about it too much. But I need to. They need to do more than eat snacks and watch tv. I love tv which is why I want them to learn how to go through a day without it. It became a big time suck, major distraction, with so many events in my life. How pathetic! I don't want that for them.

I plan on making this week a week of positive attempts at family time. This is such a busy time of year that we need those moments with each other.

Unrealistic Expectations

My husband is a basketball coach. Most days it doesn't effect our rhythm too much but then there are the days when expectations become a little unrealistic.

He has a handful of Thursday night home games which just happen to be the same night that I work until 6pm. He takes the kids after school and impatiently waits for me to get off work and take over. This wouldn't be such a bad thing if he didn't have such high expectations for the children's behavior.

Our kids are 7, 6, and 3. Not the ideal sit still age by far, especially when the older two have worked hard to behave at school all day. They just aren't going to sit still. Music is going. Friends are coming in and out. It's just unrealistic to assume they will stay in one spot quietly.

Tonight I got to the game and the first thing said by my husband is, "They need to go home."

Ok.

He claims he didn't want me to have to deal with them if they were not being the best behaved but we are very different when it comes to our kids' etiquette at games. For one thing, I'm not studying anything! He's watching JV players and can't be catering to all their needs. I, on the other hand, am more free to chase and adjust and occupy.

I told him we need to figure this out because it's going to be a long season for both of us if this is how every game is going to be. I will pack books, crayons, whatever, to occupy them for an hour. We can drop them off his parents' house, worse comes to worse.

I don't want them to end up hating the game because we made it miserable to go. This is a big part of their lives now, whether they want it to be or not. Maybe that'll change but for now, they need to love it and realize that this is how we see daddy for the next three months.  We all need to make some compromises.

Aunt Flo Is Trying to Kill Me

Every month Aunt Flo decides she needs to drop in for a visit. Sometimes she gives you a heads up she's on her way and other times she drops in unannounced. She could show up early or she could keep you in a panic waiting for her arrival. One thing is always a guarantee to my visits from Aunt Flo...I can hardly wait for her to leave!

I never had major issues with my periods until I started having kids. When our second child came along a little too quickly for our liking, I decided to try an IUD. This was long before we converted to Catholicism so I didn't think much of it and a friend of mine had recently gotten one and said it was working great for her. Apparently my body despises any form of birth control. The pill made me moody. The IUD either was infected or caused me to bleed well past the 5-7 day requirement of misery. The shot coincided with my post-partum depression and I honestly think it threw my hormones for a loop it wasn't ready for and I've been having problems ever since.

Most months I can get by with popping the Ibuprofen day 2 and 3 then coast it out for the remainder of the week. Not this month. This month Mother Nature is flipping me the bird as if I have done something unforgivable since last month. I walk as much as I can, I am very much a nonlitter-er. I don't know what I did to piss her off but she is sure making me pay for it!

I can't remember being more fatigued or dizzy, not to mention the headache I've all day today and I'm on day four! Usually by now I don't even notice the cramps! They are still making me double over. It really blows. Oh, Aunt Flo. Why are you such a witch sometimes?!?!

Of course I will be passing this on the the good 'ole gyno and see if she has any new remedies for me.

There are times I wonder if my body is giving me a violent riot because we've decided we're done having kids. My loins are grieving for another baby and are looting my uterus, shredding every last bit of it to make me long for the days when I didn't have to deal with Aunt Flo's visits for almost two years. I do miss those days....Just not enough to have any more children!

I know she'll go away eventually. Three days to go! Hopefully. She has been known to stay longer. A few weeks of bliss before she barges in again. Yay for women...

Some People...

There are people I have come across throughout my life that just make me want to scream. I have had the opportunity to come across two such people in the last two days. Goodness.

I am very much a task oriented person and when I come upon a to-do that I'm not familiar with I will always try it on my own and then ask for help. I take pride in knowing that I made the attempt on my own and I try to ask for help before it goes too far.

These people...not so much. Any task is just too difficult for them even though it's laid out pretty simply. Nothing fancy. It's as if they take joy in sucking any positive notion out of the air and remind you that life is horrible. Scratch that...THEIR life is horrible.

Now I'm sure this may have been just a coincidence and maybe they really are going through a tough time. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But when every suggestion, every possible scenerio is laid out for them and it's still not up to their standards and yet they won't give any feedback on what would be helpful. I need to either walk away or have a come to Jesus moment with them.

I can't hold your adult woman hand through this. You have to figure it out. If I am having to use my energy because you are too lazy to try on your own, I won't have any energy left on myself and I will leave you feeling drained and depressed when I am normally a very optimistic, silver-lining kind of person. Don't bring me into your funk. I can't handle it.

Blah...

I'm cold.

I'm tired.

I don't want to write but I promised myself I would write every day so here it is.

I did admit not all of them would be good.

Now to rot my brain with some Netflix.....